The Ronne's

NEW WEBSITE

2011-01-30T22:54:00.001-06:00

We will be writing again soon @ www.highwayofgrace.com

The end of one journey and the beginning of another...

2010-12-28T23:38:00.010-06:00

This will be my final post on this blog. I will not stop writing but this will be the close to this part of my life. I will post the address to my new blog within the next few weeks. Kaci never had a chance to write once we found out about her tumor so I thought it was fitting to let her finish the blog she started. While we were overseas, we began writing each other back and forth on our laptop and I will be posting her actual last 2 letters she wrote to me to give you a look inside the real Kaci. I didn't change a thing and if you knew Kaci well, spelling and grammar were not her strong suits so you may have to look closely into what she was trying to say:) I have decided to allow comments but "anonymous" will no longer be an option. God bless all of you and please continue to pray for our family as our journey continues...

Ryan,

I don’t know how to even start after such an amazing letter like that. But thank you. I would love to be able to say that you are the answer to my prayers, but the truth be told I don’t know that I ever prayer for my future husband. But I know that my mom did often and I am so greatfull to have a mother that would and does pray for us both. You know that I don’t have much of a memory, but I do not remember being nervous on our wedding day, except when my dad and I were about to walk down the aile in front of all those people. I can remember sitting with you on the hood of your car at the baseball field late one night, we were just talking and I don’t even remember what about. But I knew that night that we were going to be together forever. And I can’t imagine a better 10 years of marriage than I have had with you. People always talk about how the first year or the third or the seventh or whatever is so hard, but by the grace of God I don’t feel like we have ever had to experience a rough year of marriage. We may have had a year or two that life wasn’t too easy, but I have never felt our marriage waver. Thank you for always being commited to me and our family. I know that the move to Guymon was not an easy one for you either and that you were following God and getting yourself out of a hole before it became too deep. And thank you for that. It took a lot of courage to stand up for what you knew was a right and move, even when your wife was pulling against you. I am proud of you for making that move and not just staying in the same situation until our lives fell apart. The move back to Guymon was a good one spiritually for both of us. And so was the move to Albania. You know that I am not very good with word and that I can not express myself very good in writing, but then again I am not very good with words either. Our first trip here was amazing. I can still remember the spiritual high that I was on while I was here. It was the first time that I actually recognized God’s miricals that he performs quite often. I even kept a list of them for a while. Then as the months went by I started getting lazy again and not spending as much time with God as I should and amazingly I did not see Him at work as much. Life is easier to handle when I’m spending quality time with God. I have learned that when I am hurting or sad or lonely, those feelings can become overwhelming if I am not talking with God, but when I am with him he will send me a story or a verse or something that will lift my spirits and help me make it through the situation. I have learned that more in this second trip when everything has been so much harder. God has really taught me that when I start to get frustrated with you because I don’t feel like you are doing what you should be around the house or when I don’t feel like I am getting enough of your attention, that usually I am looking to you to fufill me in areas where I should be looking to Him . I know that you are not perfect and that you will not always do exactly what I think that you should do (I don’t know why you can’t read my mind after 10 Years!!), but that is not your falt, I know when I feel like that, I am looking to you instead of to God and I am placing you above God. And we know that is not the way it is suppose to be. I have also learned that I can not change you and instead of trying (which only causes conflict), I have to realece it to God and he will take care of it. You might not be the one that needs to change, often it is me and my attitude. The other thing that I have learned from being here is just how much God wants us to rely totally on him. There are usually other ways of getting things done, but God wants us to put him first. I am still learning what that means, but slowly he is teaching me. I have the hardest time not doing what I want first, and not only am I not first God, you and my family have to come before me! Wow, that is something that might take me a while to learn, but I am trying. I also think a lot about the verse that says that anyone who leaves his father, mother, brother, sister….. will inhearit 10 time that for eternity. So what difference does it make if we are this far away for the time being, our reward will last forever, so what am I complaining about? I have nothing to complain about I have a great life with a God who listens to me when I cry out to him, a husband that loves the Lord and me, and kids that are willing to follow use wherever we go with out complaining. I have leared that the god we serve knows what we need and will provide it for us if we will just let him.

Ryan, 12-5-09

I know that it has been a while since we have done this, but I just want to make sure that you know how appreciated you are. I love you so much. You have been working so hard on all the things around that house and you haven’t even complained about any of it. Thank you for all the work you have done. I am so glad that God gave me a handy man around the house, even if you weren’t one when I married you! I wanted to thank you for being such a great husband and dad. Thank you for all ways letting me go out when ever I want and even encouraging me to go. And for give me for not always asking you first, like you do me. I will try to work on that. Thank you for playing with the kids and showing them how much you love them. Thank you for giving them baths and praying with them and reading them books and putting them to bed. Those things may not seem like huge things, but it shows how much you love them and how much you love me too. I praise God that he gave you to me. He knew I needed a strong man, a strong family man. You are doing such a great job, especially knowing that you did not have that role model in your life. Thank you that you are a Godly man, some one who wants to serve the Lord with all of your life, not just half heartedly. And that you are willing to do what ever God calls you to do. I am praying that both you and me will spend more time alone with God so that we can hear what he is tell us to do with our lives. I feel an urgency to do something for the orphaned children in this world, but at the same time I tell myself that I have a full plate right now with the new baby on the way. So please pray with me that god will speak to both of us about his plans for our life, especially in this area. It is amazing to see how God is working in all the people around us in terms of fostering/adopting. I know that before we went to Albania, no one was interested in any of this and now that we are back home Cory and Kara are fostering, Calley has a strong desire to adopt, and even your sister said that they were kind of wanting another kids, and had thought about adopting. God is moving all round us and I don’t want to just sit back and watch. I want him to move in our lives too.

I am sorry that I have been such a complainer lately. God is working on me in that area of my life right now, and it is very difficult when your 9 months pregnant! But I want to change my attitude and I want to be a positive person. Thank you that you are an optimist and that you don’t complain about much. You are a good example for me and I am trying to be more like that. Although, it may have to wait a few more days or weeks until this sweet baby girl decides to make her way out!

Well, I just wanted to let you know that I love you and appreciate you VERY much. Thank you for every thing that you are.

Kaci

Kaci,

This is the hardest letter I have ever had to write. As I read these letters you wrote to me again, it was almost like you knew what was coming in a strange way. You knew you felt unsettled but it wasn’t time to make any moves. We found out about your tumor only 3 months after you wrote this final letter and you were in Heaven only 5 months after that. I miss you every day in different ways. I am so thankful for the memories I have with you and the 3 beautiful children we have that will be a constant reminder of you. We finally had that really bad year and it saddens me to think it was our last together. I remember the day you were diagnosed, a prayer team came over and were planning on praying over you to bless you, you in turn, blessed all of us. I was overcome by the courage you showed when you began to pray, literally shocking everyone. You prayed that you were willing to sacrifice yourself if only one life was changed because you knew you were going to Heaven. As your husband, I was devastated but as your prayer partner and fellow warrior for Christ, I was so inspired by your selfless words. There was not a dry eye in the room and no one knew what to pray after that, you said it all. As I look back, I think you knew where all of this would lead and you had already accepted it. You never shared that with me but I think you were protecting me, like always. We never talked about you dying and I want you to know that I never gave up hope, even as I watched you take your last breath. I kept thinking that God was just showing off and would do something miraculous and He did just not how I expected Him to. You received the greatest gift of all, pain free eternal life at the right hand of the God you lived for. I know you are happier than you have ever been and I will only see you on the other side, so with this letter I am saying goodbye. I would have never chosen for our path to end like this but now I am faced with starting a new one and God is providing just that. You probably know this already but your story has touched thousands of lives all over the world so your prayer was answered. I am so proud to have been your husband of 11 years and 7 days, father of your children and best friend and I will honor your legacy by continuing to live my life well enough to hear those words that you have no doubt already heard, “well done, my good and faithful servant”.

Ryan

2010-12-10T23:45:00.003-06:00

Thanks to all of you who have been defending me to the few who chose to beat me down. I'm not sure if I understand how I'm being a hypocrite, but apparently I have hurt someone and for that I am sorry. I do want to clear something up that many of you have misunderstood, I will never get over Kaci and my love for her will never die. She is not being replaced and never will be. I might add to my family but my love for her is eternal and I will never let our kids forget her. As for Jessica, she has been hurt by these comments as well but if you haven't been in our shoes, you have no idea so let it go. I am not asking for your approval nor do I need it. I answer to God and God alone and will continue to follow Him wherever He leads me and with whomever He chooses for me. If you don't like what I write or how I live, don't follow the blog, that's pretty simple. There was a very simple explanation to why I kept writing during Kaci's sickness, I wanted her to read about her journey when she received her healing and it was therapy for me. Someday I pray I will have the strength to read my own words because many of our last moments together were fuzzy at best. I have never deleted a comment to this day and I won't start now, but I only have one more post to write so this will be your last chance to comment. The day I choose to write for the last time, I will not allow any more comments, time will stand still for our blog. If you choose to write something now, remember it will always be here for all to see. I plan on turning this entire blog, comments and all into a book for my children to read someday. Whether you like me or not, think about them before you write. I am so thankful for those who have prayed and encouraged me through these many months, I can't thank you enough:) Thank you for the random hugs I have received on the streets of Guymon from people I barely knew and even some I had never met. I will pray for those of you who have been so unkind to me with some of your hurtful posts. I always try to think "what would Jesus do?" and today it felt like a time to call some of you out and turn over a few tables but after praying today, I knew all of the negative words spoken over the last months were spoken from pain and it was a time to "turn the other cheek". I am sad this will end, but I am looking forward to the future God has for me:) I will let you know if I choose to continue writing on another site, but for now this blog is one post away from being officially retired. If you post a comment, please remember to sign it:)

2010-12-09T08:33:00.002-06:00

I have been pleasantly surprised by the numerous comments and emails I have received encouraging us to be happy. I am not surprised I have received a few that were not so uplifting. Anyone who has gone through something similar to what we have, understands exactly how we feel and some of you who haven't, frankly don't have a clue. I love those of you who don't understand and though you remind us to use caution, you say go for it! When I met Jessica in person and we had our first chance to talk face to face, we felt like old souls who had always known each other. I knew some of you would not understand but was ready to fight for her and that is why I wrote about her. I didn't have to share and I knew there would be some ridicule and judgment but she is worth it. I have not "gotten over" Kaci and I never will but she is gone and God is tugging at my heart again. Jessica has so much to offer me and I feel like even though our paths have taken dramatic turns, our path has become one. This doesn't mean we will get married tomorrow and she does live in Michigan so we can't exactly move fast even if we wanted to. Let's not forget we also would have 7! kids together ages 8,7,6,5,3,1 &1:) Yes, Jada and Josh are 3 months apart! We have been cautious from the beginning and didn't share our relationship with our kids until we met because we wanted to be sure there was a spark. The kids don't need any more disappointment in their lives! When I told Tate and Mya that I met someone who would love to be their mom some day, I saw so much joy in their eyes that it melted my heart. They loved the fact that she had 4 kids and couldn't ask enough questions. Kaci was such a great mom to them that they have had a void in their lives for many months. Truth be told, she has been missing from their lives since April and wasn't really the same the 9 months prior because her pregnancy with Jada made her so sick. The kids were ready to move away and they didn't care where as long as it was soon, Christmas sounded good to them:) And for those of you who are wondering about John and Deena or any of those closest to me, they miss Kaci as much as me but want me to be happy and trust that I would never do anything rash without God leading me. I sat down with all of my family including Kaci's mom and dad, before I ever met Jessica. Those moments were bitter sweet for all involved and I'm sure there will be many more that are the same. None of them doubt my motives but I respect them enough to seek their approval. On another note, this blog will end soon. This chapter of my life will close in order for the next one to be played out. It doesn't mean I will quit writing, it will just be on another site:) Let's not forget, "if you can't write anything nice, don't write anything at all".

2010-12-07T10:48:00.001-06:00

I want to share something that I never thought I would be comfortable sharing on this blog, but I know it is time. On October 31st, Jessica Crisman left a comment on this blog sharing how she had lost her husband to a brain tumor 4 days before I lost Kaci. She is 33 years old like me, has 4 children 8 and under, and stood by her husband’s side for 3 years while he battled different forms of brain cancer. She spoke her heart on their carepage @ www.carepages.com/jasoncrisman much like I have on this blog so feel free to read her words, they are truly inspiring. We have much in common and have been corresponding since the day she left the comment. We have been able to comfort one another in what could easily be a much more difficult time without someone who understands completely. Though our experiences were slightly different, the overall experience was the same. I met her in person for the first time this weekend and she is just as amazing as I expected her to be. We planned on writing a book together from the beginning but it has turned into much more than that. We had both been praying that God would help us to know when the time was right to look for another companion and were both caught off-guard when we found each other so quickly. After numerous discussions about the timing of it all and many prayerful nights, we decided that even though we both had much grieving to do, it would be much easier to go through it together. I will always love Kaci and Jessica’s love for her husband Jason will never die, but for us to ignore God’s ultimate design would dishonor both of their wishes for our lives. In my life I have had to make some tough decisions when God was calling, from leaving the house I built with much of my own blood and sweat only months after it was finished to taking my family to Albania for nearly 2 years. Some of you may question my motives, but those of you who know me and have followed my life, will know that my trust in God’s will for my life is pure. He is still leading me and my children and I will not let timing nor circumstances stand in the way of a blessing He wants me to have. Jessica brings me great joy and I hope and pray that you, my friends and prayer partners, will continue to pray for us in this next chapter of our lives. I could not have asked God for a better Christmas present and though this Christmas will still be the hardest one ever, the hope of a new beginning will get me through it. If you choose to comment on this post, please pick your words carefully and don’t post anything that could be hurtful to anyone involved. You are welcome to send me a personal email if you’re not sure @ ronne1@ptsi.net

2010-11-30T10:42:00.002-06:00

Now that Thanksgiving has passed and 2 days ago was 3 months since Kaci passed away, I have had a chance to reflect on life. I haven't been working much and life goes on whether I want it to or not. I have been struggling with a number of things but today God made one thing very clear to me and I'll get to that in a minute. Kaci was my world for the last 14 years and we enjoyed life to the fullest. We stayed in tune with God's will most of our lives together and as I mourn losing her, God has been whispering ever so quietly. I haven't been able to hear His words because I have had a hard time listening these past several months. I have accepted that Kaci going to Heaven early was His will for my life even though it is not completely clear to me. As I think about my future, I constantly think of what would Kaci want me to do or how can I honor her legacy. The realization that I was not supposed to be living for her hit me hard today. God reminded me that I was living for Him and I needed to do what was best for His work and not hers. Ouch! Sometimes it really hurts to feel His Truth! I am still unsure of my future, but I know that my focus must change and I can no longer dwell in the past. I loved Kaci with all of my heart and that will never change, but what I do with my life from this point on, will be for God's purpose. I would love for it to have her legacy in it, but I must trust that God knows best. I have cried through this entire post because it has been so hard to write, but I knew I had to share it so I would start living it. I know that as long as I honor Him, it will honor her. Pray that God continues to lead me and that I can be quiet enough to hear His whisper.

2010-11-26T00:37:00.002-06:00

I could probably look at this year and say that I shouldn't even celebrate a Thanksgiving. That would be true if I didn't trust that God was still in control of my family's journey. The truth is that I was dreading this holiday because I couldn't imagine the heartache I would feel. I made a good choice and visited my sister in California and was pleasantly surprised at what a good cook she is:) Jada has not been having fun adapting to the time change but it has been a good trip overall. The kids are having a great time together and Tate gets to wrestle from daylight til dusk every day which is exactly what he needed. I'm not getting much sleep but that's nothing unusual so it hasn't gotten me down. It is hard to swallow the fact that I spent the last 14 Thanksgivings with Kaci at my side and I will never spend another one with her. It is a reminder though of how thankful I am for all of the wonderful moments we had together. I will never forget those moments and she will always live in me. I am thankful for how many friends and family care about me and continue to send me uplifting messages throughout each day. I am thankful for all of you who have continued to pray when it would be so easy to just forget about us. I am thankful for all of Kaci's closest friends who still talk about the impact her life made on their lives and their walk with God. She is so proud of you! God still has great things planned for my family and He gives me glimpses every day of that new life. I still shed tears for her but usually they are happy tears. Kaci, I love you baby and I know this was the best Thanksgiving you have ever had and I am happy for you! I will do my best to find joy in the days ahead because I know that is what you would want for me.

2010-11-21T23:35:00.003-06:00

I can't believe it has already been a week since I have updated, that's a good thing. Life has been busy and that's good. I don't really have any ground breaking news but I thought I would share some of the things I am dealing with right now. I have had a number of unanswered questions since Kaci passed but I feel like the answers are slowly being revealed to me. "How can life go on without her and how could it have joy in it?" Life does go on whether I want it to or not and my kids bring me great joy on a daily basis. They even bring me joy when they are rotten or disobedient (don't tell them that though). My baby Jada is so happy and I'm so glad that she won't have the same pain as Tate and Mya because life is normal to her. "Will my love for Kaci leave when she did or can I love someone else someday like I loved her?" I am realizing that my love for Kaci has grown even stronger and that it will never die. I will make sure here legacy lives on by writing her story so our kids will know what she meant to me. I believe that I will love again and that's what Kaci would want and God will help that person understand that I will always love Kaci. Kaci will always be "momma" to Tate and Mya but there will be a new "mommy" that will love them as much as I do some day. I can see that they need a mom in their life and me being lonely will not honor Kaci's wishes for me or for our kids. "What will God ask me to do now?" I struggle with this more than anything. I believe that once I begin writing Kaci's story, He will begin leading me to what's next. I have never stopped trusting Him even in my unbearable grief and loneliness. His plan for me is perfect and I will continue to believe in that. "Will I ever get through the grief?" Lately, I have had a lot of help working through the grief. Some days it feels like I am making wonderful progress and some days , the bad moments overtake me once again. I will say that I don't have too many "bad days" anymore only bad moments. I have a lot to be thankful for and in honor of Kaci's life, I will strive to move on and do something great for God's Kingdom with the rest of the time I have left on this earth. I will see her again and we will worship our King side by side for an eternity, that brings me comfort:)

2010-11-13T16:23:00.003-06:00

I love Saturdays! College football, no running kids to school, and being with all 3 kids all day. I love my kids and they bring me joy. No matter how bad the day is or even when they are driving me crazy, at the end of the day, I can always go in their room and watch them sleep and the rest of the day is history. I still have trouble concentrating at work for long periods of time or some days even going to work, but I believe that will get better with time. Tate and Mya decided to rake leaves today so they could jump in them and I thought I would post the pictures so enjoy.

2010-11-09T17:37:00.002-06:00

Sorry I haven't been updating as often, believe it or not I haven't needed to. Life is still going and I still have my moments but have reached a new level. I am beginning to feel good again, not always, but I am allowing happiness back in. I have been corresponding with others dealing with the same issues and it has helped tremendously! We are all going through the same grief just in different ways and it helps to see that some are faster and some are slower. There is no pace that I should be on except my own. I wish there was a formula, but there's not and I have accepted that. My kids are doing great and they bring me joy daily. I can't help but smile when I look at Jada even when she is screaming in my face. I found an aspiring writer to help me write Kaci's story so I'll keep you updated on how that goes. I can't remember if I wrote this or not but I am taking the kids to visit my sister in California for Thanksgiving. My kids and her kids are counting down the days, they can't wait! I'll try to write more often, but no guarantees. Thanks for praying me through!

2010-11-04T22:08:00.002-05:00

I am back at work and it hasn't been too bad. I have a great boss! The first thing he did is come up with a plan for me that was different then the things I was doing before. He left it wide open for me to do whatever I needed to slowly get back in the groove. God bless you John! I'm not sure if I could have done it any other way, God is still carrying me through. I have been cooking evening meals lately and that is a very different role for me. The kids eat the food which is a good sign since they are fairly picky. They are still thriving though they have their breakdowns just like me from time to time. Mya fell in the shower tonight and it scared me to death because of the scream she let out. Those of you with kids understand the difference between a complaining cry and a serious one. This one was no doubt serious. She had hit the bathtub spout right behind her ear hard enough to for it to bleed a little. She was so proud to show Tate the blood on the toilet paper. She calmed down quickly and went to sleep without a problem so it turned out all right. Of course there was a "Hello Kitty" band aid that brought the most comfort. Life is happening again and it is starting to feel a little different. The new normal is on its way...

Halloween 2010

2010-10-31T21:00:00.001-05:00

My little butterfly

"Jessie" from "Toy Story" and a Power Ranger

Aunt Kayla, Cousin Brooklyn & the Ronne Clan

2010-10-31T20:46:00.002-05:00

Halloween went great and the kids wore me out. We went to a local PTSO carnival and then "trick or treating" well past bedtime. The kids sat on the front porch afterward and handed out candy to the late comers. I think they enjoy that more than walking from house to house. Jada has been struggling with a cold so she dressed up for pictures but didn't join the rest of the family in the night's events. I don't think Grammie minded too much. I won't whine about how bad I have felt lately so you can just enjoy the pictures. I also heard this song the other day and it brought back so many memories of Kaci. I sang it at our wedding for those of you who weren't there. It was the second time I sang in public and I was 10 the time before. I loved her so much that I was willing to do anything to make her happy and that was the first thing I could do to "wow" her. It is a moment I will never forget. "Amazed" by Lonestar- Our relationship stayed pure until our wedding night so the lyrics had more meaning as the years went by.

2010-10-28T21:33:00.002-05:00

Today is exactly 2 months since Kaci's passing. The last couple of days have been really tough. I feel like the grieving process has started over as if it was only days since I lost Kaci. I haven't been sleeping well and my emotions have been all over the place throughout the day, it has been exhausting. I have been working on a rent house this week which is a nice change but it hasn't helped keep my mind off of her much. Memories of her and I have been flooding my thoughts all day no matter what I am doing or where I am. I feel like I cry a gallon of tears throughout the day. Halloween will be the first holiday we celebrate without Kaci which is a good one to start with since Kaci and I were never very fond of it. The kids love it of course but we never really had anything special we did. In fact, I was in South Dakota last year because my grandmother passed away so Kaci spent it without me. I will post pictures of my kids all dressed up as soon as I can. This will be Jada's first Halloween, I'm sure she can't wait. Pray that I can find some joy in it for the kids sake.

2010-10-26T21:59:00.002-05:00

I was cleaning up around our desk tonight, which is a disaster, and came across a journal Kaci had written in. I didn't remember it but once I started reading it, it all came back to me. She started keeping it when we decided to try our luck at being missionaries and only wrote a few entries but they were great. It was very painful to read, but someday they will be a cherished memory of her. She ended each passage with a scripture or comment about overcoming whatever it was no matter how rough life was at the time. We were having a few struggles at the time and she was hurting because of the distance it had caused between us. She wrote about her feelings and didn't tell me how she was feeling because I was having a rough time as well. She began to turn to God when she hurt or when I hurt her instead of lashing out at me or the kids. No wonder God took her home early, she had figured it all out. Now I hope I can learn from her and serve God better than before when He is ready to reveal His plan for my new life. My kids bless me more each day and though the nights are still filled with grief, the days have gotten a little better. I have been able to cry with a smile on my face many times remembering something about Kaci. God blessed me for 14 years more than I deserved and I would do it all again even knowing the outcome. I don't think we could have done any more in our marriage, it was like we were truly "living like we were dying" like the song says. I have so many great memories and so few bad ones. I plan on writing it all down some day for the kids and anyone else who was blessed by Kaci's life.
Kayla, when I read your comment it made me cry because it was so unexpected. I have become a cry baby lately but I was truly blessed by your words and I'm sharing this with everyone because it was so touching. I pray for you often and look forward to your Spiritual growth. God has great plans for you " plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". Kaci has passed the torch...

2010-10-25T21:31:00.002-05:00

We had a great time getting our family pictures done and they turned out great. It is starting to feel like Kaci has been gone for years even though it hasn't quite been 2 months. I have been missing her a lot lately, nothing new. I have her picture that was at the funeral beside my bed and have been telling her about my feelings the last few nights. I know that might sound a little crazy but I feel a little crazy right now. I am still struggling with focus on any task I try throughout the day. I finished the bathroom remodel and had mixed emotions. It was good to see finality but I wish Kaci could have shared it with me, she loved change! I haven't been able to go back to work yet, but I'm probably never going to feel ready so I'll have to just do it anyway. It's hard for me to know when to push through and when to be patient. I am not the type to sit back and let life happen, I want to make it happen. Pray for direction in that area of my life when you can. Remember to pray for the Hudson's, I remember the days shortly after the funeral and they need your prayers worse than me.

2010-10-24T21:15:00.001-05:00

NEW FAMILY PICTURES

2010-10-22T14:21:00.003-05:00

I went to Ishka's funeral yesterday and I felt like I needed that. I got a chance to see the pain I was in from a completely different perspective. Thank you to those who were at Kaci's funeral and who have been grieving with me. I didn't have any reflective words to share with the Hudson family but I did get to hug their necks and that was all I had to give at the time. I did ok until I watched Harold's three kids linger over the casket knowing it was the last time they would see their mom's earthly body. I could tell they didn't want to leave. It was gut wrenching to say the least. I was unable to go to the burial site because I'm not ready to face what's out there yet. I thought I was doing ok until last night when I got an email from a very close friend who is putting together Mommy and Me books for all 3 of my kids. I looked through the pictures and totally lost it, but this time the grief felt different. I was able to release all that had built up from that day and apparently the many days before. A box of kleenexes later, I tried to go to bed with little luck. I slept good once I got to sleep and woke up to kids laughing and Jada hollering, it was such a blessing. I am so blessed to have 3 beautiful kiddos, I don't know what I would do without them. They are helping me through this terrible process of grieving. Sometimes the steps backwards are more than they are forward but I know that will change in the future. I am committed to helping others go through this journey but only when they are ready and when God places them in my care. His timing is perfect as I have said many times and I will rely on that. Please pray for the Hudson's each time you remember our family.

2010-10-19T22:15:00.002-05:00

I don't know why for sure but last night and today were a real struggle. Last night I sobbed like a baby until my eyes were turned inside out. I missed Kaci so bad! Today I went to Amarillo to meet a close friend of mine and discuss some financial stuff. It was a good visit and wonderful Kabuki! I spent the rest of the day walking around different stores and I even went out to see the house that Kaci and I had built together. Kaci designed it and I still love the way it looks. As I walked around in Kohls I have to admit I shed a few tears in the frame isle. Their were so many reminders that Kaci is no longer here nor will be. Kaci's dad rode home with me which was probably a good thing because I would have thought too much. Fall break has started for the kids and I'm not sure what we are going to do just yet. I have to stick around at least until Thursday when I am planning on going to Ishka Hudson's funeral. She was the family friend that passed unexpectedly and left behind her husband and 3 children. Pray that I can have the strength to get through it and also be of some help to Harold, the husband. I want to help but I'm not sure how much help I can really be right now. Please pray for their family with me, they have quite a battle ahead. Pray that peace can be there despite the storm. Satan is at work once again so now is our time to take a stand and believe God's purpose is still being fulfilled.

2010-10-18T21:37:00.002-05:00

I finally planted my grass thanks Scot for your help and guidance! My neighbors may quit wondering why I quit watering now. It felt good to work hard enough to be exhausted at the end of the day. We also had some pictures taken of our family which I will post as soon as I get my hands on them. Thanks Laura! We had a great time and everyone was in a good mood. I had my first parent/teacher conference for Tate and Mya which is actually the first one I have ever been to. Kaci was always the one to go and just update me. They are both thriving in every aspect of school which was a sigh of relief. I knew they were doing well at home and now I know they are doing well elsewhere. Mya prayed tonight that daddy wouldn't die. Yes! That is what she said. My heart almost stopped! She cried for Kaci for a few minutes after but then seemed to be ok. I'm not sure if I am after that, but it was a good reminder to seek therapy for all of us. Tate's teacher told me that during one of the lessons she said to be sure and read to your mom and dad tonight and Tate's hand went up. She knew immediately what was coming. Tate said "what if you don't have a mom?". He said it without emotion but nevertheless, she was at a loss for words. She deflected it well and he went on and never said anything else about it. I believe they are dealing with our loss in their own ways but we had to discuss the death of a friend of mine and I think it sparked a little emotion in them as well. We talk of Kaci often but I can understand that time heals, kids on the other hand can't see past 5 minutes. It has been an eventful and emotional day and I'm glad it's over. I just know that tomorrow is going to be uneventful...

2010-10-16T22:31:00.002-05:00

The tears have flowed tonight. A friend of our family lost a young woman my age with kids and it brought back a flood of emotions. I will give more details when I find out exactly what happened but please cry out to God on behalf of their family even without knowing their names. God knows! Pray that I will have the strength to help even though I don't feel like I'm ready for that yet. I want to help so bad! I think it can be therapeutic and I love to help others in need. And I love this family dearly! To make matters worse, another friend of mine found out his wife's cancer is back and much worse this time. I want God to call me to be the one to help but I also want to listen closely to see if it's time. I need to be sure I am at a place in my own emotions that I don't ignore what I need and still help others in need. It will be very complicated but I know if God wants me to be there, I will. My life is not great but Kaci would want me to continue God's work even if it's only been 6 weeks since she passed. She is not one to consider circumstances in our own lives to be a good excuse not to help others. It will be hard, but I want to be ready.

2010-10-15T22:09:00.002-05:00

The fishing trip went great, and the fish were biting! We even had fried fish at our house tonight and the kids loved it. Of course, Mya had to have a Peanut Butter and Honey also. We went to Braums for ice cream and had a bike ride at Sunset Lake, our local lake. Tate has 2 soccer games but they are his last 2 and I think that makes us all happy. It has been fun watching him but even he is ready for some free time.
I am facing the realization that Kaci is not coming back as strange as that sounds. There have been days when I wake up and think this has all been a nightmare and she has just been away for awhile. My heart and brain are beginning to get on the same page and starting to see the signs of what life is going to be like. I have missed her spirit more than anything but lately I have needed to hold her. I was never a cuddler, but I would give my left arm to cuddle with her tonight. At the beginning of our marriage of course I would cuddle because of the possibilities. In the middle of our marriage I was brave enough to admit I had to do it grudgingly but I was willing to because she liked it. Toward the end, leaving out the hospital bed cuddling which doesn't count, I learned to love to cuddle with her because I wanted to please her our entire marriage and I grew to love what she loved. It was in a different way, but the kind of love that made our marriage great.
I know that some day I will want to find another momma for my kids and a companion but I was thinking about a few things. I wouldn't exactly be a great catch! I'm 33 and have 3 kids from 10 months to 7 years old right now. I have extreme emotional baggage and I will never quit loving Kaci. I live across the street from Kaci's parents and work for her dad and love them dearly. I don't want people thinking that I am looking but I can't imagine someday in the future finding someone as special as Kaci was. I know that God has it all worked out if I'll just continue to trust Him. That's my plan but it hasn't been easy. He still hasn't revealed what He has planned for my new life but I will continue to live for Him the best I can and do my best to grow. If you see me in public, even if I don't know you, feel free to give me a hug, I need it.

2010-10-15T18:07:00.003-05:00

Jada has now been walking for a couple of weeks but she has recently gotten really good at it. She will be 10 months old on tomorrow.

2010-10-12T23:43:00.002-05:00

I have been working hard at home to finish a few projects and it has felt pretty good. I am in a weird stage of grieving that is strange to say the least. I could be walking down the hall with 10 different things on my mind and start crying all of a sudden. And I wasn't a cryer! Right now I am a real ball baby. I have to admit I feel a little odd sharing that but I want you to know as much as possible so you can sympathize with others who are going through similar grief. I feel like things are getting better and I can even see life ahead. Time has been going by very slowly lately but I am getting a routine with the kids and that has helped a lot. Now if I can add work to the mix, we will have a new normal. It is hard to feel joy or happiness that is not followed by immediate guilt but I know that will get better. I made an outline of my life with Kaci the other day and plan on writing it all down for the kids to have someday. I am going on another short fishing trip with my dad tomorrow, hope the fish are biting this time. I will try to post again on Friday. Thanks for your continued prayers!

2010-10-10T22:31:00.001-05:00

The "Tooth Fairy" is going broke. Tate is losing teeth left and right. This is #2 in 3 days!

2010-10-08T22:18:00.002-05:00

I have had a much more positive couple of days. I have been finishing a bathroom project and going on drives and playing a little golf and just not doing anything. It has been surprisingly refreshing. I have more patience with the kids and even cooked supper one night which is something I haven't done by myself in a long time. I used to help Kaci often but she was such a good cook and enjoyed putting together a meal. She never liked planning them though... I have a couple more projects to complete before I will try work again but for now, the time off seems to be helping. Tate, Mya and I went to our football homecoming together tonight and the kids had a great time playing with anyone sitting near us. Our poor team got creamed but at least my kids had no idea. Their aunt Kayla took them before the game and got their faces painted so they looked like little banchies. I forgot to take pictures of course so unless Kayla got some shots you won't get to see how they looked, sorry. I'm usually the one taking pictures and Kaci is getting the kids fed and ready to go. I will have to learn to do it all, but it's going to take some time. Thank you for your continued prayers and be sure to check out the newest blog I am following. The poor guy lost his first wife to brain cancer, has 3 kids, remarried, lost their soon to be twins and then his new wife died do to complications. I can't even imagine what his family is going through right now but they could sure use our prayers. Please show their family the same love and faithfulness you have shown mine, they need all of you praying for them as well.

2010-10-06T21:55:00.002-05:00

I decided to take some time off from work to see if it will help. I'm not sure if it will be better or worse but I thought the change would be good. I plan on doing a few projects around the house that Kaci and I had started. I love working with my hands and I'm hoping it will be a good distraction. I still can't focus on anything long enough to finish whatever it is. Life is still pretty unbearable but the days seem to be going by a little quicker and if time heals, that is exactly what I need.

2010-10-05T21:19:00.002-05:00

I don't really have anything new to report today. I would like for you to read the following and help out if you can, I have copied it from "Team Kaci" Facebook page.

Subject: Legacy of Love Book Reminder
Team Kaci,

We are needing LOTS more stories for the Legacy of Love Book for the kids. If you have not sent in your favorite memory of Kaci or how her story has impacted you , please don't forget. The children are all young and they will rely on your memories of their momma to know her. This is the most important thing you can do for them so please make it your goal, nothing is too small or silly. This is a gift they will cherish for the rest of their lives!

You can email your stories to : Careesew@gmail.com or write them on paper and send them to: Careese Wood 3815 Carlton Amarillo TX 79109. All of the stories will be compiled into a book and presented to the family. We are hoping to be able to have this done for Christmas. Thanks for all your support!

God Bless!

2010-10-04T21:51:00.003-05:00

Nothing has really changed for me and don't worry about me getting upset by a comment written on our blog. I have a tendency to reply to them because someone else was bothered by a comment not me. I'm not sure how I could be seeing someone else for the last couple of months since I was at Kaci's side 24 hours a day until she passed which was only a little over a month ago. September 28th was a month and it really wasn't any more significant than any other day. I was a little surprised myself but the grief had gotten so bad it didn't matter that it had been exactly one month, every day was just as hard as the next. Enough about my unhappiness, something really funny happened today. We realized that Jada's top 2 teeth came through and Tate lost one of his top teeth. I immediately thought of the scripture I quoted the day of Kaci's passing, "He gives and takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord". This time it's kind of funny. The kids and I had a good evening. Tate and I played the WII together and then Mya and I played while Tate did his reading homework. After they took their baths we had enough time to play a board game before bed. That is something we would have done with their momma except it would have been a planned activity. We laughed together and nobody had a bad attitude all night which has been pretty unusual lately. I can see the kids improving every day and I hope they can see that I am trying to get better as well. I am putting forth the effort, but progress will be slow and I am understanding that better each day. I came to the realization today that no matter what I do, I will have a memory of Kaci. I am glad that everything I enjoy, she played a part in it. She rarely played golf with me or went on fishing trips but I loved returning to that beautiful smile. She was always waiting for me no matter how long I was gone. She was an amazing woman and I should be hurting right now because she was such a big part of what I am today. Thank you Kaci for being what you were and helping me become what I am. When the time is right, I will make you proud of me because I will continue to serve our God to the fullest of my ability.

2010-10-03T22:25:00.003-05:00

Today was a much better day, the emptiness was still there but I had a chance to relieve some frustration. We have a Sunday group that plays sand volleyball and even though it was a little cold, everyone toughed it out and we had a great time.
I need to clarify something that was written a couple of days ago from an anonymous writer. I wish you guys would just sign your name, it would sure save me a lot of trouble. Someone wrote that I was seeing someone for the last couple of months so I should introduce the kids to this person. I'm not sure how I didn't notice the comment but I'm not seeing anyone but I did call a grief specialist and had an over the phone consult. Other than that, I'm not sure what the comment meant. I have not been seeing a therapist on a regular basis, but I plan on getting on a regular schedule with someone soon.
I ask my kids every night when I pray with them what kind of day they had. The last week they both have said they had a great day and the days previous to that were very negative experiences. My kids are so resilient and I am so thankful, they bring me much joy to hear that their days are good. I have seen their joy return slowly and it gives me hope that mine will return as well. God has been tugging at my heart lately reminding me that He's not done with me just yet. I have a few ideas of what that might be, but nothing is real clear right now. God just keeps showing me His presence little by little as a reminder that He is still working and will reveal Himself when I'm ready. I heard this song this morning before church and I thought I would share it with you to end this post. It's a reminder that I'm not giving up just sharing my walk with your. Josh Wilson's "Before the Morning"

2010-10-02T22:31:00.002-05:00

I played in a golf tournament today and played awful but with good company. It was good to be out on the golf course and away from the house for a few hours. The kids split their time between my mom's house and Kaci's mom's house. They had a great day to say the least. I watched the OU/Texas game by myself which was actually kind of nice. I mowed, did some laundry and some other house work which was really odd. Kaci was so good at keeping up with all of the house work that I rarely had to help much. I am keeping up ok but it just doesn't feel right. I have noticed that lately my feelings and emotions have changed. Instead of having bad moments throughout each day I just have a constant feeling of emptiness that never lets up. Everything seems dull and lacking something. I catch myself being pessimistic about so many things when before I could find little wrong with anything. I feel like I am losing the desire to be happy even though I know deep down Kaci would not want that. I have been through low times in my life and Kaci was always there to lift me up or remind me how blessed we were but now without her, it has been much harder to dig out. You guys have been great, but you're not Kaci. Time will heal, but it sure ticks by slow when times are rough. I have found a couple of people who are going through similar things and that has been very helpful to know we are all dealing with the same emotions. Sunday is my favorite day of the week so tomorrow's post will be much more uplifting I'm sure.

2010-10-01T21:07:00.002-05:00

I noticed that the blog went over 300,000 hits and I am so glad you guys haven't given up on me even after Kaci's earthly journey ended. I couldn't be more grateful for the uplifting words I am able to read every single day. Tate and I are back from our camping/fishing trip and we had a great time. We didn't catch any fish to speak of but got some much needed father/son time. We got the boat broke in and spent hours playing with the camp fire. While we were fishing late last night Tate looked at me and asked "dad, am I ever gonna have another momma?" I asked him if he wanted to have another momma and he said "I would like someone to be my momma now that my momma's gone". Wow! I had no idea what to say about that so I just told him that maybe someday we could talk about it again. I know Kaci would want that because we talked about it many times but now that I have been put in that situation that could never be dreamed of, I can't imagine. I know that someday that will change for me but it hit me hard that my kids are needing that already. When we came home tonight the first thing I thought of was the greeting I always had when we walked in the door after a trip without her "honey, I'm home". I know that sounds corny but it really sucked coming home and not having Kaci here to greet me. I am really hurting tonight and it seems worse each day even when I'm trying to distract myself. I keep replaying our last moments together and it is like torturing myself but I can't stop. I am sharing that because I need your prayers more than ever. I don't like writing about my vulnerabilities but I also know I can't do it on my own. Please continue to pray!

2010-09-29T22:09:00.003-05:00

Life has been tough the last 2 days. I have missed Kaci deeply and haven't been able to sleep and I don't want to eat or do anything for that matter. I am planning on taking Tate camping tomorrow night since they don't have school on Friday. We have to be back for Saturday morning soccer and I am playing in a golf tournament. Usually, I can hardly wait for stuff like that, but for some reason I am very anxious about them. I know Tate and I both need it, but it just seems like it's going to be very difficult. Pray that I can relax and have patience with Tate and that we can get some much needed father-son time together. Pray with me about work, I don't know what to do right now. I feel like I need some time off but I'm not sure if it will help or if I just don't want to do anything right now except feel sorry for myself. I feel guilty when I'm at work because I'm not productive and I feel guilty not going to work because I know I have to get back to as much normal as possible. Everything is just stressing me out no matter what it is. I don't want to turn to medication because I have seen that ugly road and it's not pretty. Pray that tomorrow when I wake up I feel peaceful even if it is for a day. I can build on that, one day at a time.

2010-09-28T23:19:00.002-05:00

Today felt a little strange for some unknown reason. I couldn't sleep last night so I was tired all day and unable to concentrate on anything. For those who are praying I need your help. I have no desire to go to work and when I finally force myself to go, I can't focus on anything long enough to make any progress. My job is reliant on my imagination and complete concentration. My boss, Kaci's dad, has been terrific and has given me as much space and time as I need but I feel terrible not doing the job he has hired me to do. I know I need time to grieve but I feel like getting on with the normal things in my life are important to my recovery. God is carrying me through but I need some clarity to know how I should move forward and at what pace. I know that Kaci would want me to do my best to get back to normal and would be pushing me to fight through the pain. Pray that God will enlighten me on how to move forward.

2010-09-26T22:15:00.002-05:00

I feel like I had a real breakthrough today on a couple of different levels. First I got a chance to pray out loud with some close friends of mine in church this morning and I realized it was one of the first times I had prayed for someone other than myself, Kaci or our kids in the last several months. I was truly blessed and reminded once again how loved our family is. The second thing was very different but just as impactful. Last week the guest speaker at our church spoke about the story of the friends who lowered their crippled friend through the roof to get close to Jesus. It was mentioned again in our service this morning and as I pictured the scene it seemed different this time. I had thought about it many times while Kaci was suffering about all of the friends in Christ that would have gladly held the rope for Kaci. This time as I pictured it, I happened to look up as if I was the one on the platform being lowered. That picture had always always always been Kaci! As I looked I saw strings like a parachute with hundreds of cords and people holding on and as I looked closer, there was Kaci. She was holding a line. Even in my despair, God is carrying me through and He knew I needed to see her face and with that beautiful smile. The peace I felt in that moment was better than I have felt in months. I can imagine her standing at the side of God constantly prodding Him to help me feel better in that way that only she could. She had such a way with people that everyone who met her fell in love with her spirit and I'm sure it's not any different in Heaven. Please keep praying, I can feel it more than ever before.

2010-09-25T22:05:00.002-05:00

Today was a much better day. I slept in and soccer didn't start until 11:00 and Mya decided that she didn't want to play anymore. Rather than fight that battle another week, I told her she could quit and try again next year. I helped my mom with a little work around her house and played with the kids until 10 tonight. We laughed until we were in tears (finally the good kind of tears). I feel like I should respond to the comment about my neglect for my kids. Soccer nearly every day of the week would be hard even if Kaci was around and Mya wasn't enjoying it so I had to fight a battle with her every time she had a game. When I came home to an empty house last night it was because I came home at 11:00 pm and the kids stayed with a very close friend of theirs because that's what they wanted to do. I have been giving them options on the weekends especially on whether or not they want to stay with me or somewhere else. It kills me to be without them but if they want to stay somewhere else I will let them because it's not just about me. They find relief outside of our house and I understand so I put my feelings aside and let them cope the best way they know how. I talked to them tonight about our bad attitudes lately and told them it was normal because we are all so sad about momma. We talked about it being ok to cry and that daddy still cries every day for momma and crying doesn't make us weird or different. We just love momma so much that we miss her being with us but that she isn't hurting anymore and is preparing our house in Heaven for us all to share again someday. We are all doing our best to cope and I don't know the best way only what works in that moment. I laid it at God's feet and I trust that He will get us all through as long as I continue to let Him carry us. Be careful what you comment on especially when you don't know what we are going through and how we are coping. I will admit that I was offended for the first time on my blog probably because it was about my kids. I don't mind input but I don't respond well to ridicule so stick to the Golden Rule and if you don't have something good to say don't say anything at all. I only need positive feedback right now and I appreciate all of you who are giving me that.

2010-09-24T23:40:00.002-05:00

I did something a little crazy today which was not like me at all. Instead of just going fishing today, I bought a boat and then went fishing. I have always wanted one and Kaci and I had shopped for one many times but I could never justify buying one. I guess I found enough justification this time and did it. The fishing was even pretty good but it wouldn't have mattered because it was great just being out on the lake and the weather was perfect today. It did catch me off guard when I got home and the emptiness returned immediately. It hurt to walk into my empty house and not be able to share the fun I had with Kaci who would normally be waiting up for me and pretend to enjoy my fish stories. I am thankful for the love we shared and look forward to our memories together being joyful again. I miss her greatly but I know my life must go on as hard as it seems. I will continue to lean on God and many of you during these trying times and I know I'll come out better than before. I think of God as "the potter" and He has smashed me flat, but only because He wants to shape me into something even greater than before. I am doing my best to allow Him to mold me into what He wants. I am being refined even though right now I can only feel the fire.

2010-09-23T21:51:00.002-05:00

I did a little fishing yesterday with my dad despite the windy day. It was good to get away and now we're in OKC because he had a doctor's appointment today. I'll be doing a little more fishing tomorrow on the way home which is very therapeutic for me. The days are still not great but I can see some improvement in my own attitude. I am reminded every day how blessed I am with friends and brothers and sisters in Christ. So many of you continue to pray for me and my kids and check on me even when you know there is nothing you can do to help me cope. As much as I hate what has happened I still trust that God's plan is pure and is what is best. I don't like it and don't agree with it but what do I know? God's love for us doesn't always make sense but He knows what He is doing and I will continue to trust Him. I will do my best to honor Him and Kaci by getting through this awful time in my life and making something good of it. I don't know what God has planned for me, but I will keep listening and will not turn my back on Him now. I trusted Him with Kaci at my side and I will trust Him with Kaci at His side.

2010-09-21T21:40:00.002-05:00

Today was a little better but I had to drive to Pampa to file Social Security for the kids. Now I will be doing my part to bankrupt the SS system. Thanks for all the ideas, I'm still not sure what to do and I will tell you why. I will attempt to write down all of the places Kaci and I have been in our 14 years together and you will realize why I am struggling so much. We have been to Six Flags in Dallas and LA, Disney World, Animal Kingdom, Sea World, Islands of Adventure, Universal Studios, Busch Gardens in Tampa and Virginia, Cocoa Beach, Cancun, Jamaica, Hawaii, Albania, Turkey, Greece (twice); skiing in numerous places like Breckenridge, Keystone, Winterpark, Red River, Wolf Creek, Taos, and Santa Fe and most of those several times; we backpacked up a trail near Monarch and spent the night on a natural lake; before Tate was born we drove from Amarillo to Tuscon stopped at the Petrified Forest and the Grand Canyon on the way to Las Vegas where we spent 2 nights on the way to San Diego where we went to the Zoo of course on the way up the coast on HWY 1 to Hollywood on the way to San Francisco to see the Red Wood Forest and then across Utah and Wyoming stopping to pitch a tent in Yellowstone in 20 degree weather (but we witnessed Old Faithful so it was worth it) and then to Rapid City to see Mt. Rushmore and after stopping back in Amarillo decided to go visit Kaci's brother in Houston because our trip ended a week earlier than planned. Soon after we were married we took a trip with her family to the East Coast where we saw NY, DC, West Virginia Beach, Civil War History in Pennsylvania, US History in Philidelphia, walked a corn maze at an Amish Village and tasted wonderful chocolate in Hershey at the actual factory. I have left out many of the details and probably many of the places we visited but now maybe you have a better picture of our life together. We did more in our 14 years than most couples do in 10 lifetimes and for that I was blessed. Kaci knew how to have fun and always wanted to go somewhere new and I loved her so much for that. Before I met her I had never been on a vacation that wasn't planned around driving to a relative's house. "Kaci, I love you and thank you for taking me with you all over the world and making life fun! I miss you so much but I will continue to try to find new places for the kids to explore in your honor. I would have never experienced so much without you!"

2010-09-20T21:15:00.002-05:00

I spoke with a grief counselor today and was reassured that grieving sucks! Lately days have either been bad or worse. I keep reminding myself that Kaci would want me to be happy but it seems to be getting harder to find joy in daily life. I struggle finding positive things throughout the day and that is opposite of how I usually am. It takes effort to smile and I have to make myself sleep and eat. This helplessness has been hard on me because I am always the strong one helping others. I know many of you would do anything for me and I find comfort in that but I don't know what you can do right now. My counselor says this stage could take weeks or even months to overcome so pray I don't just bury myself in grief and find something that will help me battle through. I am trying to read more on grief and listen to the Word on CD at night because it is too hard to read right now. I am planning on getting away for awhile to get my head on straight but I haven't had any luck on what to do just yet. I am still open to ideas. Still looking forward to better days...

2010-09-18T22:47:00.002-05:00

Four more soccer games today and this time Jada got to enjoy the ride as well. Two of the games were during her nap time and lunch time. Needless to say, today was a tough day to say the least. I have noticed my bad moods are rubbing off on the kids attitudes and we all had an attitude check today. Tomorrow is definitely going to be better for all of us. We sat up late tonight watching old family videos which was bitter sweet but probably good for all of us. I have noticed the grieving is getting worse for me so I have started a book and plan on seeing a counselor soon. I thought I could do it on my own with a little help from family and friends and that would be enough. I listened to a voice mail message I set up and could hear the hurt in my own voice so I can't imagine what my kids hear coming out of my mouth. Pray for my attitude to be positive at least around my kids so I don't interfere with their grieving process.

2010-09-17T22:29:00.001-05:00

My beautiful Jada can always make me smile. I am so thankful she was born when she was and Kaci got to enjoy her even though it was a short time. He gives and takes away...

2010-09-16T21:04:00.002-05:00

My kids spent last night at their Grammie's house and I was home alone. It was a little scary at first but I got a chance to grieve differently and it felt like progress. I was unable to go to work today and I'm not sure why but I just couldn't. I am trying to decide on a getaway because I agree with most of you that my kids would also be better off if I am in a better frame of mind. Life is going on and I hate it without Kaci but I understand that only with time will that get better. A group I was part of at church came by last night and prayed over me and that was refreshing but also sad because that same group prayed over Kaci when we first found out about her tumor. Jada is 9 months old today so I will try to post a picture of her tomorrow so you can see how big she is getting. She has taken a couple of steps so it won't be long before she is running all over the house. I noticed something shortly before Kaci passed that Jada's eyes changed from a dark blue that she had for at least 6 months to almost hazel just like Kaci's. I have a feeling that she will be the spitting image of her momma and I believe that is a gift from God. He is still watching over us and holding us close and even grieving with us. He knows how hard it is for us but is the only one that understands the why and our future so I am trying to lay it all at His feet. God is good all the time even when I don't understand.

2010-09-14T23:09:00.002-05:00

Today was another rough day. We looked at some pictures together and talked about what their favorite thing was about momma. Tate loved to bake cookies with her and Mya loved all the games they played together. I hung a picture of Kaci in the kids' room so they will remember to ask questions if they have any. I am having a real hard time going on with life. It's hard to get up in the morning, hard to concentrate at work and hard to keep my patience with the kids. I know God is putting people in my life right now that I will be able to help someday but I'm just not ready yet. I don't know how patient I should be or how long before I should dig in again. I feel like I need some time away by myself but the kids really need me right now. Maybe when their soccer season is over I will find a weekend getaway. I am open to ideas...

2010-09-13T20:35:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure what to write tonight but I know I need too. Today was not one of the better days. I have hurt deeply all day today and just wanted to crawl back in bed and wake up in a new life. As I try to care for the kids I realize how bad I am at it and how good Kaci was. She did a lot of behind the scenes stuff that is taking a toll on me. I can feel the big piece of me that is missing and I felt more alone today than I ever have. There were points today when I was ready to just give up but giving up is not an option. Please pray with me that tomorrow comes quickly and is easier than today.

2010-09-12T20:54:00.002-05:00

Church was pretty difficult to get through today. I was doing just fine until I looked down and saw Mya crying and as I picked her up she said "I miss momma". It broke my heart and I never recovered. It is hard to keep a smile on my face but I am doing my best to continue living a productive life. The days are much better and even the nights aren't quite so bad. I still read scripture out loud to Kaci and that seems to help. I struggle closing my eyes at night because I have a tendency to think a lot when I should be sleeping. I tend to wait until I am so exhausted that I can't think when I finally do close my eyes. I catch myself feeling guilty when I start enjoying something like I shouldn't let myself be happy right now. I know that is not how it should be but that's how it is. I read a little about Stephen in the Bible today and thought he seemed a lot like Kaci and I'm sure the disciples questioned God when his ministry was cut so short. Paul, Saul at the time, witnessed his stoning and in fact encouraged it and was changed soon after. I wonder now who will be touched so much by Kaci's life and death that they will change their life as Paul did? It would be OK with me if there was more than one even a Pauline. I saw a couple people in church today that I never thought I would see and Kaci was a big part of why they were there. She would say it was all worth it because her final destination was absolute so she would sacrifice her life on earth for Heaven to gain another victory on her behalf. Those of you who have changed remember our suffering because of our loss and keep your commitments to Christ so one day we can say it was all worth it.

2010-09-11T21:55:00.002-05:00

Today was a blur and I am thankful. We started soccer today and Tate and Mya both had 2 games each so we started at 11:30 and got home after 4:00. It was a beautiful day and not as bad as I had expected it to be. I thought I would share a funny story about Kaci and those who knew her will know this is a perfect story of Kaci's personality. Shortly before we were married I was at her parents' house and had grabbed a sundae cone ice cream from Schwan's. It was the kind with chocolate and nuts on top and the last bite at the end of the cone was filled with chocolate as well. I still love those! Kaci didn't want one but she wanted a bite of mine and thought she deserved the first bite of course. After trying to convince her to get her own I gave in like anyone else would have when Kaci was determined to get her way. She smiled brightly, took my hand with the cone in it, turned the cone upside down and bit the chocolate end off. She thought it was hilarious and said "I told you I only wanted one bite and I figured it would be the only one you would give me so I had to take the best bite". I was so in love with her before that and consumed with her after that. She could make me smile even when I was so irritated at her. I miss her greatly but that smile is embedded in my memory and she will always be with me. She still makes me smile and hopefully she made you smile today also.

2010-09-10T22:22:00.002-05:00

I have been reading Kaci's Bible lately and was reminded how concerned she was about others. Her favorite verses were nearly always about being compassionate toward others. I can also remember her first prayer shortly after she was diagnosed. She spoke passionately to God and told Him that even if one could be saved she would be willing to give her life. I know many have changed their lives because of the way she lived hers. It is not what I would have chosen for our lives but this is the life God has given us so we must do our best to honor Kaci's legacy. God is doing amazing things all around us and I look forward to the feeling I once had about the time we committed to missions. I want to serve God with my family as hard as it will be without Kaci's positive and prayerful attitude. I would have never made it overseas without her at my side. We sure made a great pair and the hardest thing for me today is loneliness. I have been lonely for a long time now because Kaci wasn't herself for many months before she passed. She was sick during her entire pregnancy with Jada and really never recovered. Maybe God was just preparing me and the kids for life without her. As far as the kids go, they are doing great, thriving really. Tate has a breakdown ever now and then but has been doing really well and Mya has cried for her momma a couple of times but only when she's in bed and falls asleep after some cuddle time. They are doing much better than me but as a family, we are surviving one day at a time. It's hard to believe tomorrow will be 2 weeks. It seems like it was just yesterday and at the same time like an eternity. Life is hard but God is seeing us through.

2010-09-09T19:58:00.002-05:00

Thanks so much for all of your prayers, I had a much better day yesterday! Today I even decided to go back to work which kept my mind occupied for the most part. I know deep down that I need to be reading God's Word more than anything right now but it is so difficult. I still read Psalms 91 out loud to Kaci each night and last night I realized the words were meant for me now. I am struggling with why Kaci is gone but I trust God and I know He'll pull me through. I never thought grief could cause physical pain but my heart literally hurts several times a day. The nights are the most difficult and I have a hard time closing my eyes without thinking of her. I play the Bible on CD at night to help me sleep and try to at least get the Word in my head even if it is subliminally. I look forward to better days and more sleep. Pray that I can be patient in my grieving and ready when God wants me to begin whatever it is He has planned for my family.

2010-09-07T21:12:00.002-05:00

I have been fortunate in my 33 years not to have seen much death near me. I have never been able to relate to people who have. The amount of grief I have experienced today alone is more than I could ever imagine anyone being able to survive in a lifetime. I have cried more today than in all of my previous years combined. I spent time alone in our house for the first time and though it was probably part of grieving, it was almost unbearable. Support from family and friends and knowing how much my kids need me is getting me through each minute of every day. If I am brutally honest, I don't feel God comforting me right now. I may be able to look back and realize He was right here with me, but the amount of pain I have felt lately is something I could never imagine God allowing someone to feel. Now, that being said, I look through the many stories in the Bible of so many who were in my shoes and survived and went on to do great things. Jesus even asked God to take this cup and then later realized he must finish to save the rest of us. I will finish the race and endure the hardship of life without Kaci even though it seems impossible right now. I didn't want a life without her but God was ready for her to go home. She was my angel and now the life she led has to be honored by me continuing in God's call for my life. That was so hard to write but I know it's true. I keep thinking I will run out of tears, but they seem to always be on standby. Keep praying that I have the patience to endure the stages of grief and become a bolder advocate for Christ's work. I pray that I am at my lowest point and I can only go up from here.

2010-09-06T22:28:00.003-05:00

I am sorry I haven't posted anything in a couple of days, we decided to go to the mountains for the weekend at the last minute. I was dreading the trip because we had been so many times as a family and I have to admit it really sucked. That word probably offended some of you but it's the best word for the trip. Nearly every good memory I have has Kaci in it so life isn't going to be much fun for awhile. I have been uplifted by many of your comments and emails so please feel free to continue to share them. I'm not sure how positive I will be over the next few months so you guys might have to be my inspiration for the time being. God and I have had frequent conversations and I am trying to get my head around things right now. Everything has happened so fast and now the house is so quiet and depressing. I realize I wouldn't miss Kaci so much if I hadn't loved her so deeply. A big piece of me is missing now and it seems to be getting harder each day. I look forward to the point when memories of her are joyous and not so hurtful. I will try my hardest to create new memories with my kids so they can have their happy daddy back. I pray that I can be strong for them and allow life to go on as joyous as it was before Kaci got sick. I need your prayers more than ever for that to happen, please don't stop now!

2010-09-03T14:08:00.002-05:00

I am trying hard to let the good things that our tragedy has done for so many keep my head above water. I know that someday the uplifting comments will give me strength to push forward but I have only one thing to write at this moment. I have realized that only one thing brings me comfort and that is knowing Kaci is in Heaven. No words or gifts or anything else means anything to me right now. There will be a day when I am able to look back and be blessed by the outpouring of love that has been shown to my family, but right now everything just hurts. Almost every good memory I have includes Kaci. I know I must create new memories without her here to help with living on but it's difficult to do anything without her. I wish that each of you would look at your life and that of everyone close to you and make sure you have no doubts that Heaven is the final destination. I could not get through this without that assurance. I can't imagine how people get through something like this without being sure or knowing their loved one isn't in Heaven. Death often sneaks up on us without warning so don't take another breath until you're sure you are right with God. Believe it or not Kaci's passing snuck up on me because I chose to believe in her earthly healing until the very end. I still believe God heals on this earth but God just chose not to touch Kaci. Why, I may never know but I will trust that God has a purpose and I won't be the reason it is not completed. I will never stop serving Him even when bumps in the road appear to be Mount Everest.

2010-09-01T00:05:00.002-05:00

Kaci had a fantastic celebration of her short life on this earth. I was reminded once again of how many people loved her and were touched by the life she led. I believe that God is going to continue to do great things through her story. I believe my pain will fade with time but my fire will not go out. My prayer tonight is not for strength to get me through each day because I know God will provide my needs, but that Kaci's passing will fuel new life into stale Christians all over the globe. God has gotten our attention, now what are we going to do with it? Kaci is at peace and we are hurting but she would want us to rejoice for her good fortune and continue on serving the same God that she served passionately. I will mourn her loss but in time, I will let this test of faith strengthen me to do the things God has called me to do. When we are at our weakest He is at His strongest. I trust in that today.

2010-08-30T09:08:00.002-05:00

I am really hurting this morning as I begin to realize all the things Kaci will miss out on. I won't mention them all because I'm sure you can imagine. We still had a lot of plans for our future together. Already God has been working on my heart and giving me strength. I know I have to be more for my kids now that their mom can't be there for them. Many of you have asked about them and amazingly they are doing great. They have been asking questions every night but I'm not sure if they understand the answers completely. Mya wants to continue to pray that her momma comes back and we will continue until we bury her and then she may understand better. We still pray together every night but it has been hard for them to pray because they have always started their prayer "Dear Jesus, thank you for momma and daddy..." Now they aren't sure if they need to pray for momma or not even though they know she is in Heaven and is dancing with Jesus. Mya prayed last night after a number of questions that momma would be able to play with all of the kids in heaven and make them smile. I don't have all of the answers and we are all hurting in our own ways but we will continue to trust in God to carry us through. Right now I know there are only one set of footprints in the sand, thank you Jesus!

2010-08-28T21:16:00.002-05:00

I can't put into words the hurt I feel tonight. Kaci was my everything and now she's gone. I could have never imagined how bad the pain can be when someone so close is tragically removed from your life. My prayers go out to you who have gone through something like this and have tried to prepare me. I do have some peace knowing she is no longer in pain and that I did everything in my power to relieve her of this disease. She fought to her last breath and wouldn't let go until I whispered in her ear that it was ok to quit fighting and that God would take care of us. I then read Psalms 91 over her as I had so many times before and then she went still. She stepped peacefully into Heaven and is now dancing with Jesus and so many who have gone before her. I believe I have followed God's will and never gave up hope. God finally released me last night when we had a little church meeting for her praying, reading scripture and singing to her with some of her closest friends and family. God has not failed us and He will help us endure no matter how impossible that seems right now. Kaci's funeral or celebration of life as she would call it is Tuesday at 10:00 am at the Guymon Church of the Nazarene. All of you are invited to celebrate Kaci's victory over death and say your goodbyes. God can still do amazing things through this tragic event if we will only trust Him and go where He leads us. I will never stop loving my wife but she finished her purpose on this earth faster than us and is reaping her reward as I write. Take what you have learned from this and use it for God's glory.

2010-08-28T10:17:00.002-05:00

Kaci went to be with Jesus this morning at 9:30. Please pray for strength and comfort for the family. God gives and takes away but blessed be the name of the Lord.
This is not Ryan posting but he wanted everyone to know. Thanks for the prayers.

2010-08-27T13:43:00.003-05:00

I want to start by saying that I have never deleted a comment from our blog and won't as long as it is appropriate. I welcome even the negative comments because it reminds me of the battle we are in and that is "spiritual warfare". Many of you have wondered how Kaci has been doing and I admit that I have been distracted by my own needs but also I have tried to protect many of you from what Kaci and I have been going through. I am going to describe what it's really like so if you can't handle brutal truth don't read any further.
Since Kaci was diagnosed in March it has been a roller coaster. When her tumor hemorrhaged April 1st I thought she would die before she reached the hospital. She was screaming in pain and crying out to God to stop the pain or let her die. If the blood from the tumor had not been enclosed inside itself she would have died from it. She lost many of her normal functions during that time but in time, regained them. I spent many sleepless nights laying next to her in ER's, ICU, regular hospital rooms, and hotels. During all of this time every doctor I met re-iterated that Kaci will not live through this. Her pain began intensifying over about a month and she would pace around the house crying and praying for hours at a time. I begged God to make it stop as did she, but there was no relief. No drugs would relieve her pain and God was not stepping in to help. I lost hope if I'm honest. For a month, before we ended up in OKC for the last time shortly before we headed to Houston I realized that I hadn't slept more than 4 hours a night for the last month. Kaci could not sleep at night and was taking up to 10 baths a day searching for relief. She didn't have enough strength to get herself in and out of the tub so someone had to help her each time. Nights were no different. Her dementia worsened during this time and nothing relieved her of pain but she thought baths and showers helped but as soon as she got in the water, she wanted out again. The nurses in the hospital were ready to put her on the psych floor the first night we spent @ Mercy this last time because she got out of bed every 10 minutes fighting to take a shower or arguing that they did have a bath tub she could sit in. I watched her go from bad to worse, eating and drinking less each day. While in Houston she ripped out 2 pic lines that are in a main vein near her heart and one of those times she caused a clot which could have easily killed her. She could also have bled to death if the nurse did not come in when she did. When she came home from Houston, she literally looked and smelled of death. She has had up and down days since then but she can no longer eat at all and struggles swallowing so drinks less every day. I watch her right now as she struggles for each breath and I have whispered in her ear that she doesn't have to fight any more that God will take care of us. I don't want to watch her suffer any more but God has not allowed me to quit believing. My faith will not change if He chooses to take her Home because this has been a faith building and character building event in my life that I will never forget. I will continue to follow His will for my life because I committed to Him even if times get tough. I will live by my vows to Kaci that I promised on our wedding day and I will live by my promise to God to serve Him no matter the hardships. I will continue to pray and believe in Kaci's divine miracle until God releases me of it or takes her to be with Him. I brought Kaci home against the doctors' opinions so the kids could have last moments with her but she has not been with us mentally since she arrived home. God will be with them through all of this as He has been with me. I will continue to trust in God's perfect will. I mentioned that I lost hope a few weeks back but I have been renewed and my faith is stronger than it has ever been.

2010-08-27T09:23:00.002-05:00

I am stuck once again with what to say and how to say it. I have appreciated the many comments and love the different view points. However I don't think I'm the one taking the scripture out of context. I want the opportunity to visit with anyone that disagrees with my comments but I find it odd that everyone with a differing opinion is always anonymous and never signs their name. I don't have a problem with your different views, but I would like the chance to discuss with you back and forth, one on one so if anyone leaves a comment give me the respect to leave your name at the very least. Anyone who has an argument with my thoughts, leave your email just like I did for that very reason. This is not the place to argue your beliefs at least not in the present time, there may be a time long after all of this is over.

On another note, Kaci is not doing well. Her physical strength is weaker each new day and her breathing gets more difficult. Her temperature fluctuates a degree or two throughout the day. We haven't had many responses from her the last couple of days that made much sense. Having written all of that, it does not change how I feel. I will continue to trust in God and rebuke the enemy every time he makes an appearance on this blog and in my life. I continue to claim Kaci's victory on this earth and if I am made a fool then so be it. You can call me crazy for Christ just like I am crazy in love with my wife. I have made a fool of myself many times because of that love for her. I will not give up hope and I will not back down no matter how bleak the outcome may look. I still have some fight in me and right now I have to have enough to fight for Kaci as well. I'm up for the challenge, with God's unfailing grace. He will never leave me nor forsake me!

2010-08-26T21:38:00.003-05:00

I want to apologize in advance because this post is probably going to be long. I have prayed over what to write tonight and God has enlightened me so we'll see how it turns out. I am probably going to preach a little so...you've been warned!
Faith is a difficult subject for many reasons but the one that is on my heart right now is the fact that you and I have both prayed and not gotten results. We can only ask why and search our hearts for answers that don't seem to exist. The New Testament is full of miracles performed by Jesus and many of his disciples and followers. In that same Bible it says that Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever. He hasn't changed and neither has his power to heal. There are thousands of miraculous healings that have been recorded since the time of Christ. If you believe Jesus hasn't changed, then you must believe he can still heal. If Jesus decided to show up in the flesh beside Kaci's bed and told her to rise from her bed and walk because she is healed, would you think she would get up? Of course because it's Jesus! Well he is beside her bed he just hasn't yet asked her to get up because his timing is perfect and we're not ready even though we think we are. In this passage Jesus wasn't present during the disciples miraculous works:
Luke 9:1-6 (New International Version)

Jesus Sends Out the Twelve
1When Jesus had called the Twelve together, he gave them power and authority to drive out all demons and to cure diseases, 2and he sent them out to preach the kingdom of God and to heal the sick. 3He told them: "Take nothing for the journey—no staff, no bag, no bread, no money, no extra tunic. 4Whatever house you enter, stay there until you leave that town. 5If people do not welcome you, shake the dust off your feet when you leave their town, as a testimony against them." 6So they set out and went from village to village, preaching the gospel and healing people everywhere.

Those disciples are no longer on this earth but I believe God has appointed new ones in a world that is much larger than ever before. Did you know that there are more people alive today than have died in recorded history? Another point of that scripture is for us to make sure that we aren't a town that does not accept God's Word and the disciples shake the dust off their feet. I will stop by adding one more scripture that I believe with all my heart. I also believe that at least one person involved in Kaci's life represents one of each of these gifts.

1 Corinthians 12:7-11 (New International Version)

7Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good. 8To one there is given through the Spirit the message of wisdom, to another the message of knowledge by means of the same Spirit, 9to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by that one Spirit, 10to another miraculous powers, to another prophecy, to another distinguishing between spirits, to another speaking in different kinds of tongues,[a] and to still another the interpretation of tongues.[b] 11All these are the work of one and the same Spirit, and he gives them to each one, just as he determines.

God has given me the gift of faith which has no use in this case unless someone who has the gift of healing joins me in Kaci's battle. Later in that same chapter is stated the importance of the entire body of Christ. That is in verses 12-31 and I encourage you to read it when you can. I hope I haven't worn you out, but I do feel better even if all of this makes no sense to you.

2010-08-26T13:10:00.002-05:00

After reading the comments from my last post I feel like I need to write something briefly. It hurts me to read some of the comments and not because of the words that are written. Those who read wonderfully positive things and still cannot find the faith to believe hurt me deeply. Dan is just a man and all of the other confirmations I have had definitely came from men but doesn't God speak through us? God's word says He gives some the gift of prophecy and of healing and many other things since Jesus has left this earth. I agree that it is much easier to choose to believe Kaci will be healed in Heaven because then you have nothing to lose. Kaci's heavenly fate was cast in stone many years ago but this test of faith is new and God wants to do a miraculous work not only in Kaci, but also in many of you. To witness a miracle in this day and age will be a unique experience for most of you. I can't wait to hear your responses when God spares her. I want you to commit to yourself today that when Kaci is healed, you won't allow negative thoughts enter your mind and your faith will change from that day forward. I know that most of your comments if not all are not meant to be harmful and my relationship with God is close enough that my faith will not change based on what is written on this blog. But, there are many that are reading my thoughts and your comments who are losing faith because of your comments so before you publish your thoughts be sure God has led you to write them and think about all of those who don't have the same understanding of your words that you do.I will write again later but I'm afraid it is time for a sermon so be prepared. I will also pray for those of you who lack faith. Remember "faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what we do not see." HEB 11:1 Read Hebrews chapter 11 and you will realize that if our great leaders of the past did not have faith, we would not be where we are today. Sorry, not exactly brief...

2010-08-25T21:13:00.002-05:00

Last night I mentioned that I had another confirmation of Kaci's healing but I needed all of the details. Well I got them through an email from the family we had the pleasure of serving with in Albania. They have been in the states for the last 3 months and are soon heading back. I am copying and pasting Steve's email, I'm sure he won't mind. Read this and rejoice with us because our church might change their stand about dancing...

Ryan,

Thanks so much for your e-mail Ryan! We have been thinking about you and praying for you all day as usual. Also, my dad is standing here behind me and said to say hello and that he is thinking of you all the time.

Since Dan Bohi was at Rachael’s parent’s church this weekend (the revival ends tonight), they were talking about us and about knowing you and Kaci and the fact that he knew of you as well from the March revival at your church. Rachael’s mom was sharing how we are all praying and believing for Kaci’s healing, and he said that he remembered anointing Kaci and that there will be an amazing miracle in Kaci.

Then last night at the service, it was an awesome service of him prophesying over people, even telling people their names when he didn’t know them and sharing with them what they needed to do to get right with God (to repent of this or that thing that he knew nothing about other than hearing from God), and they all did! He was right in every case what the situations were, even though he didn’t know them. He gave different testimonies of different miracles that he had been a part of, 4 of which were people who were raised from the dead. Rachael’s parents said they have never seen anything like it, and they have seen a lot of amazing things of God. They have been waiting for a great outpouring in their church, and the breakthrough came last night.

One specific miracle last night was that he pointed to a lady and said that he knew she was sick but that God promised that He would heal her. It was a lady that had a surgery a year and a half ago and the wound would not close and has been open since then. After he said this to her, he said, “I am hearing the name… (we can’t remember what name he heard)…who is that?” And everyone pointed to the lady that he was talking to at that moment saying that she would be healed. In other words, God told him her name at the moment he was talking to her. This is just one small example of many that happened last night at the service.

At the end of the service after everyone was weeping and repenting and in unity, Rachael’s dad said let’s pray for Kaci again and everyone came forward and prayed in a circle holding hands (about 65-75 people in total). It was a great time of prayer, and at the end Dan simply said, “Yep, she’s healed!” As was evident in the service last night, he hears the Holy Spirit giving him clear direction and again has seen many miracles. And he said with simple confidence after the prayer for Kaci, “Yep, she’s healed!”

2010-08-24T21:31:00.002-05:00

Wow, what a response! It was great to see that nearly every state was represented by at least one person and several other countries even chimed in. I think the only 5 states not on the list are Rhode Island, Delaware, Vermont, Arizona and Hawaii. One of the reasons I asked the question was to lighten up the situation a little and also to make sure as many as possible were praying for Kaci. Another reason was to remind everyone that there are thousands of people crying out to God on Kaci's behalf which should bring a little more hope to some of the doubters. God is listening and wants to heal Kaci but apparently we haven't learned enough or done enough to witness her miracle just yet. She has been resting peacefully the last couple of days and some could say it is nearing the end, but I say she is resting because she will soon be dancing! I had another confirmation today of her healing and when I get all the details, I will share it with you but it was from an amazing source. Please be sure to share Kaci's story with anyone you can think of because thousands of people's faith could change when she is healed. There are still 5 unrepresented states out there and an enormous number of countries who may not share in our victory. Imagine the difference that could be made and make sure everyone you know can take part. Keep the faith!

2010-08-23T21:18:00.002-05:00

It never fails that each day has ups and downs but in our situation the downs seem to be way down. The upside is that Kaci has been sleeping alot lately and I had to think that she was getting her much needed rest after all that she's been through lately. The downside is that I happened to read the information from Hospice and according to their research all of her new signs point out that her life is nearly over. Gut wrenching! I was pretty down after I read that and was upset for hours today thinking I was wrong about what God was doing. He wasn't healing her, He was just taking her quickly. Now, stay with me, I'm not finished yet. Kaci refused her medicine this morning and seemed to be giving up in my mind but then she changed. I got her up and put her in the wheelchair and we ate dinner with her parents. While there, she decided to scold Tate and whisper little thoughts of hers to several of us. When I took her home after a couple of hours she wanted to sit in the recliner and watch House. I realized that her pain medicine which she gets every 4-5 hours had not been given since 8 1/2 hours before. I did finally give her some even though she was still claiming to not have any pain. We had a wonderful group of prayer warriors surround her later in the evening and remind God just how much we wanted her to stick around a lot longer, as if He didn't know. I felt a real peace about accepting whatever outcome we receive according to God's will. Don't think for a second that I won't continue to claim her victory over this disease. I believe she was healed a long time ago and we have been learning patience and growing our faith and prayer lives. God is doing a mighty work through Kaci and that by itself is a miracle; not THE MIRACLE but a miracle. Please continue to plead on Kaci's behalf and just so everyone who follows this blog can see how many are lifting her up, I want you to do something for me. I would like to know how many states and countries are represented by Kaci's followers and miracle seekers. Please in your comment, just write your state or country and nothing else so I can count them all and only one delegate per state please. The first one to post gets the honor of being its representative.

2010-08-21T23:25:00.002-05:00

I know I have already posted today but I had to add a little note. Kaci had a great day and I saw signs of renewal in her movements and reactions. She drank more than she has in awhile and I took her around our neighborhood in a wheelchair. When we returned she didn't want to go back to bed so she sat in her chair and began to interact with us. She began responding to our questions and even threw a ball to me a couple of times. She rolled her eyes at some of my jokes and smacked me upside the head a time or two. I could see the old Kaci wanting to get out so bad, it was fantastic and reassuring. Only those who witnessed it could truly understand what an impact it made. Her healing has begun!

2010-08-21T10:10:00.002-05:00

Kaci made it home without incident once again and thanks to Scot Dahl for helping her dad drive the 15 hours home and for Pastor Wayne for showing up at our house at 11:30 last night to help get her out of the RV. I have to admit that it really hurt me to see the shape she was in. I had 2 feeling last night as if I had 2 separate minds; the first feeling was sickening to see her blank look and fragile body. Despair filled my emotions as I looked into her eyes and saw nothing. At that moment my spiritual body took over and deep compassion and hope filled my soul. I began praying over her silently as we walked her to the house and prepared her for the night. When everyone was gone, I laid hands on her and read scripture over her and felt such peace. I pleaded with God to hear our cries and take the disease from her body. He gave me peace and strength to endure the challenges ahead. I didn't realize how much I missed her until I saw her. I still believe she will be healed as grim as it might look. I am in it to the end! On another subject, feel free to leave any comment God lays on your heart because I am encouraged by some and enlightened by others. I appreciate all of you who "got my back" but God will protect me from any negativity. They can post whatever they want and I will respond the best I can but I won't be discouraged by mere words. God has the final say and I am trusting in that.

Disclaimer: Read this at your own risk

2010-08-20T21:52:00.004-05:00

Kaci should be here at about 11:30 and our house is filled with the Holy Spirit waiting to start the healing process. I have not been discouraged by any of the comments that have been posted nor the many emails I have received. I love that their are so many different beliefs and understandings of the Word and that so many lives have been touched in so many different ways. My belief in Kaci's healing is not in desperation nor am I naive to her situation. To you believers think about it like being a believer. You have no physical proof there is a God yet you believe because there have been numerous signs and wonders that can only be explained by an all-powerful God. Some of you choose to be believers because you would rather believe and get proved wrong then not believe and be destined for Hell. I feel sorry for this group because your only purpose for believing is to get yourself into Heaven. I am sorry if that stings but if it does maybe you should re-evaluate the way you are living your short life. Sorry, not trying to hurt anyone's feelings but I tend to speak what is laid on my heart even if it's not politically correct. Probably why I'm not a preacher?? Back to the point...I choose to believe in Kaci's healing even though many things seem to be leading to her demise. I have felt God's presence in my life stronger than ever before the last few days and I feel like Kaci will make it through this. The grimmer the outlook the more I believe as strange as that might sound. You can continue to pray as God leads you but don't judge me or think I have lost good judgment or praying in vain. If God chooses to take Kaci I will rejoice because I know I have done everything in my power to bring her healing as God's vessel, that's my promise to you. I want something in return though... When Kaci is healed I want every one of you who had doubt (I had much doubt for a long time) to cry out to God and beg His forgiveness and ask how you can make it up to Him. I expect to hear about a lot of new missionaries and preachers and teachers and healers when all of this is finished. God will take Kaci someday but I don't believe it is her time and I feel like God has led me to believe that and nothing else. "Kaci will live and not die and proclaim the work that the Lord has done"!!!

2010-08-19T22:27:00.002-05:00

Kaci should be coming home tomorrow one way or another. Hospice is supposed to set everything up at our house around 10 so anyone that wants to pray over our house or Kaci's bed is welcome to come between noon and 2 pm. Please come believing in Kaci's miracle and pray the same. Our doors will be open to anyone willing to claim her victory. On another note, I have truly been blessed by your comments during this trial in our lives. I have noticed lately that many of you have been challenged by my words and even in disagreement on occasion. I think it is wonderful! I am not mocking anyone I truly believe that if everyone was in agreement, something would be wrong. One comment left by an "anonymous" really challenged my heart today when Heaven was mentioned. We, as Christians, do strive our whole lives to end up in Heaven, but we don't want to let our loved ones go when it's time. I can't deny that and it is a very valid point. The best way I can answer your question is that when we know Heaven is the reward, we want to be sure we take as many with us as possible. I believe more lives can be reached if Kaci lives through this. Also, my 3 children will understand Heaven someday but right now having their momma next to them even in pain is better than not having her next to them. I have always trusted God's will to be perfect and I pray that I always do. Heaven is the best place for Kaci if she is going to continue to suffer but I don't believe she always will. I don't believe God is finished with her yet and I will continue to claim her victory. Heaven will be just as great in 70 years from now but I believe she will have a chance to expand it if that time is spent on earth. Eternity is unfathomable (is that a word?) but our glimpse of life on this earth has purpose, the question is whether or not we have the courage to fulfill it. My email is ronne1@ptsi.net if anyone needs clarification on my less than perfect ideas on Heaven and life on earth. I will continue to live my life by feel, trusting in God to lead the way. Right now, I feel like He is challenging my faith and I am determined not to fail this time. Don't try to translate my thoughts because often I don't know exactly what they mean at the time, but many times realize later their meaning.

2010-08-18T23:05:00.002-05:00

I almost went to bed without posting but then I realized a lot happened between last night and tonight. I dug into scripture last night and read it out loud throughout my house and as I read I felt empowered and almost angry. I began rebuking any evil that might be lurking. As I walked through the house like a crazy man I truly felt like I might actually be confronted by this evil spirit that was definitely somewhere. I was able to feel some peace and went to bed with a new perspective on Kaci's outcome. I will no longer claim that God can heal Kaci but that He will heal Kaci. I have never felt so clear about her outcome and I will believe it until I witness it. Kaci's dad called me this morning to let me know that Kaci slept through the night last night for the first time in weeks. He said she laid on her back and relaxed while she slept so maybe our battle at home freed her for a night. It was worth it! She will be coming home soon and our house will be a safe haven when she arrives. Her healing has begun so be sure to thank God daily and remind yourself not to accept anything less. We need to take a leap of faith together and hold nothing back. God wants to heal her and He wants His vessels to be a part of it. I challenge you not to spend another day allowing anything in your life from holding you back from what God has in store for you. Start planning what Kaci's miracle is going to help you do in your life for Christ.

2010-08-17T20:58:00.002-05:00

God and I had a true heart to heart last night and He didn't make it clear to me whether or not Kaci would survive but it was evident that I was not to give up but give in. Over the last few months I have struggled spiritually and realized I was in the midst of spiritual warfare. I didn't want to pray or read the Scripture which is why I was pleading with you to step in for me. I was being attacked and didn't realize it because I was so focused on Kaci. She is also under attack and I want to make sure that when she comes home, it will be a safe environment. I will post a time and day when I am ready and we, as a community of believers, will anoint my home from floor to ceiling, room to room. I am not concerned with your denomination as long as you believe God can heal Kaci and that there truly are evil spirits attacking all of us. I have been defeated up to this point but for those of you who know me well, you know I will never let something beat me without a fight. I committed all my trust last night to God as scary as it seemed and I believe He will heal Kaci when He is ready. I will not allow any outside force to interfere with His work so I will start with my home, ridding it of any evil that might be laying in wait for her arrival. When I finished praying last night, I felt like someone was walking down the hall of my house and I was scared to death and even got goose bumps. I know there is evil in my home and I will not stand by and allow it to attack my family again which is why I need your help. I felt completely powerless last night and I don't know exactly why because I have never been in that situation before. I have never allowed fear to overcome me and trusted that God would always step in and fight my battles. This was different, I couldn't move and I was truly scared and it seemed to feed off my fear weakening me even more. I felt that fear several times in the night causing me to sleep very little. At one point Tate came out and said he was scared and he didn't know why so he fell asleep in my bed nearly 2 hours after he first went to bed. Mya came into my room at 2 am while I was reading scripture and she was scared so she slept with me last night. Evil is present in my home and I can't do anything about it without your help. Begin praying about this and prepare your hearts to help if you can. I'll let you know when you can come if you are willing. Make sure you put on your armor and get ready for war!

2010-08-17T10:24:00.001-05:00

Steven Curtis Chapman- I will trust you

2010-08-16T18:58:00.002-05:00

I have now had a couple of days away from the hospital and all of the stress of being involved in every minute of treatment. I feel some guilt of being away even though I know I shouldn't and my time with the kids has been good but I am not the same energetic dad they remember. It will probably take a couple more days for me to recover physically and who knows how long mentally. My energy levels are low and I struggle with simple tasks mentally all day long. I am having a hard time on how to pray for Kaci because I want her not to hurt but I don't want to let her go so soon. The doctors have given up on her and said there is no hope of healing her through medicine so they are planning on sending her home as soon as they can. I was ready once again to give up and pray for God to take her quickly and painlessly but I received a phone call that changed my perspective and my outlook on Kaci's future. Kaci will be home in the next couple of days if everything goes as planned so keep watching the blog for something I want to plan for her. I am laying my plan at God's feet tonight on how to move forward so hopefully I will know how to proceed tomorrow. I believe God still has something wonderful in store for our family so don't give up! I still trust God's plan for our lives but He sometimes takes us further than we could ever imagine before He decides to make His presence known.

2010-08-14T22:15:00.002-05:00

I am still a little shell-shocked from yesterday's findings. One thing that never fails to surprise me is how many of you are pleading on our behalf. I read in scripture yesterday in 1 Corinthians I think about how we are one body and every part has a purpose, when one of us is hurting, all of us are hurting. I know any one of you would take some of the burden I carry if you could. I want you to know that you are carrying some of it because without your continuous prayers, I could not withstand this news. Although devastating, there are still things to rejoice about. I flew home today and shared the evening with my kids which is great therapy and that was because of a generous man who carried away some of my burden. When each doctor spoke to us about the latest news they spoke with hopelessness and sadness and in that moment I couldn't muster any hope or courage. Only moments after that did I realize I had failed a very difficult test of faith that I know many would fail but it reminded me how easy it is to give up. It is so much harder to believe that God isn't finished but many of you reminded me of that today, again carrying some of my burden. I won't pretend that I believe in Kaci's healing every moment of every day but being in this storm is so much harder than I could ever imagine. I think it is important that you know that my faith waivers so you can pray even harder and more diligently. I haven't given up hope that God might intervene but I have realized that He doesn't always heal and answer our prayers the way we think is best. I trust His will even when I don't always agree with it because I know it is flawless and only He knows what is best in my life and Kaci's. Continue to pray for Kaci's miracle because I know how committed I am to sharing her testimony all over the world. Kaci is my miracle and we will celebrate 11 years of marriage on the 21st of this month so pray that we can share that day at our home in Guymon pain free and clear as a bell. Only God can make that happen and I believe He wants to!

2010-08-13T17:46:00.002-05:00

Kaci's MRI came back but I'm afraid it's bad news, in fact it's the worst news possible. Her cancer has spread down her entire spine which is where her pain has been originating. Her dementia has more likely been caused by the cancer in her brain and not the pain medicine. We started to plan radiation when the radiation oncologist stepped in and said the only gain in radiation would be a 30% chance of pain reduction and will not help her dementia. We must rely on God who knows all things and created all things. We will now know without a doubt that when Kaci recovers, it will only be because God decided to let us enjoy her a little longer. I am planning on flying back to Guymon thanks to Josh Sassin and PTCI who happen to be in Houston today. They have graciously offered to take me with them to see my kids for a few days. I'm not sure how the next couple of weeks might go but her new diagnosis is actually measured in weeks. God must intercede or she will be dancing at His right hand very soon. I continually remind myself that Heaven is a much better place even though I can't imagine life without her at my side.

2010-08-12T21:19:00.002-05:00

It was another long night for poor Kaci but she was able to rest today. All of her old pain meds should be completely out of her system by now and the new seems to be working better. Her clarity seemed to be fluctuating today but it was much better today than the previous few days. She had an EEG today that showed that her shaking and tremors are actually not an effect of her drugs but small seizures probably caused by her tumor. She started some medicine that should help with that. They finally scheduled her MRI for tomorrow at 10 am so pray for results. Her condition is changing, it is just hard to tell which direction, good or bad. Some things are better and some things are worse but I do feel like we are in the right place to get answers. I got to see Tate and Mya today via Skype which was great! They have been having a lot of fun at Grammie's house but are anxious for us to come home. Right now that is one of the hardest things for me to deal with is not seeing them. And Jada changes daily and we are missing out on many of those moments. I am ready to be home but only if it is with a comfortable wife.

2010-08-11T18:22:00.002-05:00

Kaci was up a lot last night due to the pain med reduction but she has had a better day today. I have seen more doctors today than in the last 5 months! They are planning a new direction on controlling the pain which seems to make sense. Her MRI hasn't been scheduled yet because she has to go under and they are having trouble putting it all together. Pray that this new approach helps her to be pain free and clear at the same time. The sooner we can get the MRI the sooner we can move on so pray that comes together early tomorrow. We are feeling your prayers and I feel hopeful about our trip here so let's really turn up the heat tonight. I want all of the doctors and nurses showing up early tomorrow wondering how we got her appointment so quickly. We will know, let's make sure everybody else does too!

2010-08-10T20:16:00.002-05:00

We made it to Houston without any problems. It took a little longer in the RV but it was worth it especially since John drove the whole way. She must have slept too much on the trip because she was up most of the night. I need to start treating her like a newborn and sleep when she sleeps no matter when it is. They immediately admitted her to the hospital at MD Anderson to run some tests. The neuro-oncologist feels like something isn't right in her spinal fluid. I don't know anything beyond that but she has an MRI scheduled in the morning under anesthesia to make sure the picture is precise. I will update if we get any answers from the results. They are also taking away some of her pain meds and trying another route to see if she can be pain free and aware of what is going on. It could be a rough couple of days! I have a good feeling about the way they are approaching her treatment here because their only concern right now is locating where her pain is originating. The chemo is on the back burner for now. She can't fight the mental battle necessary over the next few months unless she is clear. I am looking forward to having a real conversation with my wife after all these months. We will have plenty to talk about!

2010-08-07T17:09:00.001-05:00

I wish I could update that Kaci is getting better but it's just not the case. It seems like the more pain medicine she gets, the more pain she has and the more often she has it. Everyone is baffled by her lack of progress but we are trying new things each day to get ahead of her pain. We will be leaving for Houston on Monday morning for her Tuesday morning appointment. Please pray that we get ahead of her pain by then and she has a very comfortable, uneventful 8 hour trip. I am really missing my kids so pray also that our appointment is finished on Tuesday with some answers and we can head home on Wednesday. I need to hold my babies! School will be starting very soon and they haven't had a lot of daddy time this summer.

2010-08-05T19:51:00.003-05:00

The last 2 days have been difficult to get through. Kaci's pain is still out of control and the only thing that brings her relief is more pain medicine which takes her to a vegetative state. So, the decisions we have been making lately is this: She can have relief and be a vegetable or be in uncontrolled pain and be somewhat coherent. Not much of a choice really.? We will definitely be here until our trip to Houston which may begin on Sunday. Although I wasn't able to get much sleep last night because something made Kaci anxious most of the night, I got a chance to get away for a few hours. I went and played golf with a very close friend of mine, Brett Armstrong, and John stayed with Kaci. I had a great time out in the humidity and heat and won't reveal who won because one of us might get embarrased. The golf was great but the time away and the visit was even better. He feels a lot like me and probably a lot like many of you; why is God allowing this to happen? I don't know today but we will all know some day. These days are harder than anything I could ever imagine but I believe God has great days ahead for us. He will never leave us nor forsake us. It doesn't say He will never let us hurt or watch others hurt, but He will never leave our side during these times. Sometimes it feels like He is not listening or doesn't care but I know that He loves Kaci more than you or I could ever love her as hard as that might seem. Continue to cry out to Him on our behalf and be blessed when He decides to show His power, but remember it is His time. He created you and me and knows how many hairs are on our head. He was aware of us and loved us even before we were a thought in our parents minds. I believe that years may pass before we will be able to look at all the events that have happened during this struggle and see the miracle slowly building. I am looking forward to the fireworks at the end!

2010-08-03T11:29:00.002-05:00

Kaci is back at Mercy Hospital in OKC unfortunately. Sunday afternoon the ER in Guymon helped get Kaci comfortable and we loaded up in the RV and John drove us all the way to the city while we slept in the back. He has offered to do this a number of times but this time I couldn't refuse because I knew I couldn't make the trip by myself. I know it was hard on him too because he spent much of Saturday night at my house trying to comfort Kaci when I ran out of energy and patience about 3am. The ER in OKC was efficient and sensitive and got Kaci in and without pain in less than an hour. We didn't get into a room until 4:30 am but at least Kaci wasn't aware of it. All of the doctors are still pretty confused about her pain. They did an MRI yesterday of her spine but there was nothing out of place. Today, we are supposed to see a neurologist who might have some insight. Pray for answers before we head to MD Anderson so they can focus on future treatment for Kaci. I think we are going to take the RV so Kaci can lay down as much as possible. Hopefully, she'll make it all the way without any trouble. I am believing answers will come soon because I can't take much more and I know Kaci is worn out. Last night as I was switching through the channels I found a pastor preaching about God's promises. He was saying that God's promises are so hard to see when you are in the middle of a struggle but it doesn't change the fact that His promises are true. He is working through us and in us and creating what He wants us to be. I can't see that right now and many nights I have been so angry with God because He wouldn't take away her pain no matter how much we pleaded with Him. We made it through those days and I pray we don't have any more but I know He will be there during and after all of this is finished. It has been hard and I know there is more to come but knowing that God is still in control is my only consolation.

2010-07-31T22:16:00.002-05:00

We have had a pretty rough week. Lots of pain for Kaci and lack of sleep for me. For some reason her pain has continually gotten worse this week. We met with her oncologist on Thursday but he didn't have any real insight to where her pain is coming from. Her pain has gotten so out of hand lately that we have been to the ER here in Guymon twice this weekend. They finally decided to get her stronger pain medicine which has been giving her relief so far. Make sure to pat Stan Miller at Clinic Pharmacy on the back for meeting us after hours to make sure Kaci's pain doesn't return tonight. It will probably save me 3-4 hours of sleep as well, thanks Stan! That is another reason I love our community, everybody is willing to help no matter what it costs them. We will head back to OKC on Monday probably to attempt to find a prognosis for her pain. We have an appointment at MD Anderson in Houston a week from Tuesday to get their input on her condition and how to proceed with treatment. There will be a lot of tough decisions to make over the next few weeks so pray for wisdom and discernment. Life is tough right now and there are a lot of unanswered questions so please continue to pray for strength and endurance. Each day seems to get a little tougher. I can't wait to post good news one of these days!

2010-07-27T13:04:00.002-05:00

Kaci had a great day on Sunday and was even helping her dad cook dinner for all of us Sunday night. The busier she was the better she felt. Her mom wasn't around because she was helping her niece whose son was in the hospital. He is 12 and fell by a pool on the concrete while on vacation and they later found that he had a bleed in his brain. He is at OU Medical last I heard and is doing much better but his family needs your prayers. Kaci has been in a lot of pain the last couple of days and her pain medicine isn't lasting long enough. The sleepless nights are adding up making the days much harder to get through. We are headed to see her oncologist on Thursday to see when her next Chemo treatment will be. I have been in contact with MD Anderson in Houston to see what they have to say about her pain and future treatments. We should have an appointment set very soon.

2010-07-24T21:14:00.002-05:00

Sorry I haven't posted the last couple of days. I was actually sick with the flu or something all day Thursday but thankfully, I am all better now. It was very strange to be the one in bed being waited on and Kaci wanted to be there for me. She kept checking on me every hour even though there really wasn't anything she could do but it was endearing. I am truly blessed to have such a loving wife who looks after me when she is the one in need. I can't wait to have her back! She has been in excruciating pain since we have been home. I hope we can get her medicine straightened out soon so she can have relief on a regular basis. It is so hard to see her in such pain and not be able to do anything about it. We need your prayers more than ever now.

2010-07-21T21:11:00.002-05:00

We made it home today, yeah! Kaci slept the entire way which was a true blessing. I feel a little overwhelmed already with the kids around. I guess I had forgotten how much of my energy is spent on Kaci alone before adding them to the equation. I know God will give me the strength to get through and I am counting on that. We have so much help all around us; what a blessed family we are! We have helped others in the past but not to the extent we have been helped. It has been a great eye-opener to see how far a little help from a lot of people will go. I would have lost my mind months ago without your prayer and support and maybe I have lost it already but my spirit is still in good shape. I know, as long as I trust in God's perfect will for our lives, my spirit will be intact at the end of this traumatic time. And tonight I don't have to sleep in a hospital chair, PTL!!! That might help clear up my mind at least!

2010-07-20T22:07:00.001-05:00

Kaci must be ready to go home because she ate much better today. I don't think they will keep her here any longer. Her doctor is suppose to stop by early tomorrow morning and should release her. We are very excited to come home and it won't be long now!

2010-07-19T20:36:00.002-05:00

Kaci is doing much better and seems to be clearing up. The doctor told her today that if she will start eating, she can go home. I hope that is enough motivation for her to start eating again. Going home is very inviting but also brings in a few fears as well. Kaci is suppose to start her next round of Chemo next Monday and she must have her strength built up by then. She also gets a little anxious when the kids are around because they have a tendency to be a little loud. Kaci was not eating or drinking well before she was admitted here which made her situation worse than it should have been. Pray that her appetite will come back full force and she will want to drink throughout the day. She needs her clarity to accomplish both of those so that is of vital importance as well. We look forward to being home and back to a somewhat normal life again.

2010-07-18T21:14:00.002-05:00

It was great to spend the day with the kids and very refreshing. Kaci and I were up most of the night because for some reason her blood pressure was high and they couldn't figure out why. They did finally get it down about 3am. The kids did let me take a short nap this afternoon while Jada took her rest which surprised me. While I was swimming with them at the hotel they are staying at, I stepped outside for a moment. I saw the strangest thing in the sky. Slowly creeping over the roof of the hotel was a cloud that looked just like a skeleton face. It really made me think for a moment and reminded me how much evil would love to take away our hope. I said a quick prayer and watched as it gradually dissipated, much slower than I thought it should, but eventually it was just white fluff once again. In case you're wondering, I haven't lost hope and that cloud was a good reminder that evil is lurking and if it is encouraged, it will stick around and even gain strength. But once it is rebuked it has no choice but to leave and it loses power and the strength goes to the one rebuking. Someone left a comment on the last post with a song attached by Jeremy Camp that fits this post very well, "I Still Believe". You can listen to it and get the real feel of the song. I haven't lost hope and I still believe in the One who created all of us. He will prevail, He always does and He always will. My hope is in Him!

2010-07-17T21:51:00.002-05:00

I got to see my kids today and it was great! It was only a couple of hours but it was just what I needed. Thanks John and Deena! I didn't realize how much I missed them until they were right in front of me. I will get one more day with them before they head back home. I am hoping Kaci and I won't be far behind. A new neurologist stopped by today and did a full assessment of her reflexes and brain function. His opinion is that some form or mix of medication caused her fuzziness and will eventually go away. They have changed her meds once again and will monitor her for the next couple of days and see if she gets better. Pray that she clears up quickly and is back to herself as soon as possible. We want to spend next week in our own beds!

2010-07-16T19:33:00.002-05:00

We have survived another day with few dilemmas. Those of you who know Kaci well, knows how hard-headed she can be. Imagine that with delusional thoughts, not a good mix. She has received much needed fluids and nutrients that has given her some strength. She is able to walk as far as she wants and often, but her mind is still not right. It has been very difficult for me to be with her 24 hours a day, almost like I am sitting next to someone I don't know. We bragged on our 10th anniversary about how great our marriage had been and that we never had a really bad year like many we know. We had a few rough times but nothing terrible. Our 11th year has been a little different. I keep thinking how impossible this would be if God was not the center of our marriage and our lives. Don't think for a second that I don't question what He is doing and why but I know it will be clear some day. I struggle like everybody else which is why I don't always blog because I want to be able to write uplifting thoughts. Those days have been fewer and farther between lately. I have struggled to find time to read my Bible and pray even though I know that should be #1 right now. Most days the only scripture I get is from your comments on the blog. I am not proud to write that but I think you need to know that I am human and don't always have the strength on my own. Many of you question how we make it through each day and I can only say that God gets us through a day at a time, sometimes hour by hour or even minute by minute. I think He wants us to call on Him no matter how we are feeling. I have cried with Him, questioned Him and even screamed at Him. Each time He made His presence known in one subtle way or another. He created me and He created Kaci and I continue to be reassured that He is not done with her yet. I have never feared death for myself or Kaci and I believe that is God's reassurance. Eternal life is indefinite for us but God still has big plans for us on this Earth. Looking forward to the happy ending to all of this!

2010-07-15T13:15:00.002-05:00

Last night wasn't great but it wasn't too bad. She got up a few times but was able to go back to sleep shortly after. Her dementia hasn't gotten any better which is causing insanity to creep up on me. I haven't figured out how to handle that yet. I can't imagine going home any time soon in the state she is in. Pray for sanity for both of us so we can go home tomorrow.

2010-07-14T21:50:00.002-05:00

Kaci's test results showed nothing new so we are still in the dark of why she is having pain in her legs. Her neurologist dropped by and determined that he was baffled as well in case we needed another opinion of another doctor saying he didn't know anything either. They are planning on keeping her a couple more days to get her hydrated and regulate her medicines so we should be home by Friday if all goes well. I'll update in the morning on how our night goes and how Kaci is feeling.

2010-07-14T11:30:00.002-05:00

We can feel your prayers today. Last night was much better, we both slept nearly all night without trouble. I was the first to take a shower and it was at 10 this morning. Kaci is still not herself but seems to be staying on top of her pain with medication. We will have results for her MRI and CAT scan later today. They did another MRI of her head to make sure nothing had changed and a CAT scan on her hips and legs to see if they can find the source of her constant pain. Stay in prayer and I'll keep you updated.

2010-07-13T19:50:00.004-05:00

This song represents the way I feel right now better than words I can write. The video is a tribute to all of our troops who are truly at war.

2010-07-13T13:45:00.002-05:00

We had another horrible night which makes 3 in a row. At home, Kaci's only sense of relief came by taking a bath about 10-12 times a day. She got really frustrated with the nurses when they finally convinced her that there wasn't a bath tub. She had a another episode when they limited her to 4 showers in the middle of the night. I think she set off her I.V. line alarm about every 10 minutes all night. I'm pretty sure the nurses were ready to send her to the Psych ward. I know I was ready to go! Her dementia has gotten worse and she is so determined that she knows what she is doing that she will fight no matter how off the wall her thoughts and statements might be. She has fought with me to tears several times already today about things that are completely out there. I think we will be spending more time here than expected once again. Her oncologist ordered an MRI of her legs because of her immense pain. I'm not sure when that will be but I will update when I find out. We need your prayers more than ever this time around because I don't handle her dementia as well as I should.

2010-07-12T19:31:00.002-05:00

We are back in the OKC hospital once again. Kaci had a really bad weekend and I decided to take her to see her oncologist who decided she needs a couple of days in the hospital. She hasn't been able to eat or drink much since her week of Chemo and her pain levels continued to rise. She will get some much needed rest and fluids for the next couple of days. Pray that she recovers quickly and we can get her medicines regulated so this doesn't happen again. Thank you for your continued support even with the lack of updates I have been posting lately. I'll keep them coming while we are here so you can know how she is doing and how to pray.

2010-07-02T21:05:00.002-05:00

Kaci and I made a trip to OKC and back today, exhausting but better than wasting 2 days. She met with her Radiation Oncologist who read her MRI and said it looked good. As far as she could see the tumor had not grown and all of the blood from the hemorrhage was nearly gone. She doesn't want to see us again for 2 months at which time we will have another MRI. Her medicine and pain is still bothering her in her daily battle so continue to pray for relief. The tumor is at a stand still for now so this is the time for recovery. Tonight will be her last Chemo treatment for a month so one less thing to contend with.
Our time with the Beilers was short but awesome. They had a great message Wed. night and those of you who missed it really missed an awe-inspiring fellowship. They anointed Kaci and our family and I had the privilege of anointing and praying over their family. We would not be as strong in our faith if it wasn't for them. We love you guys and miss you already! We can't wait to share Kaci's miraculous testimony in the Kombinat Church in Albania with you!

2010-06-30T17:25:00.002-05:00

The Beiler family will be speaking at our church tonight and I know I have mentioned it a lot lately but I don't want anyone to miss out. It will start at 7:00 tonight at the Guymon Nazarene Church so come if you can even if you come late or need to leave early. It will be worth every minute you can attend and it will show them that they have our support. All missionaries need to be reminded how many appreciate them and how many continue to pray for them and their ministries. Even if you are not part of our church, come anyway and enjoy their message. Kaci and I will see you there!

2010-06-28T23:48:00.002-05:00

T-ball is almost over! Mya had her last game tonight and Tate has 2 more, whew! I think the kids are even ready to have their evenings back. The Beilers arrived about noon today thanks to Dr. Mack Johnson, thanks Mack! As Rachael said, you were Christ to their family today, saving them 2 days of driving. I am so excited to hear all the new things that are happening in Albania that they will speak about Wednesday night. Let's pray for 300 to show up and give them the same support you have given us over the last 2 years. They have been praying over Kaci all day today and telling us all of the support we have in Albania. They even brought us money from some of our Albanian friends to help us with medical bills. Most of them barely get by and yet they are so generous to give which reminded me of the story of the old lady who gave a penny and Jesus said her gift was more valuable than any other. I had forgotten how much I missed our life over seas until we started sharing stories tonight. I'm not so sure our ministry in Albania is completely finished just yet. It has been good for Kaci to have the Beilers here because it has lifter her spirit. She will be there Wednesday night to hear about the latest events in Albania and after we anoint the Beiler family, we will anoint Kaci once again and claim her victory once again. You don't want to miss it, I promise!

2010-06-24T21:43:00.002-05:00

It has been a while since I last posted, sorry. Kaci has been in a lot of pain this week and hasn't found anything that keeps it under control. She had an MRI today but nobody to read the results. We have a CD and the tumor is still there but that's all we know right now. Apparently her platelets were still too low since we didn't get the ok to start Chemo again. Patience is definitely the hardest thing to learn and I would rather not learn how to have it. I am a pretty relaxed impatient person. The Beiler family will be here soon and the kids can't wait, they ask every day how much longer before they arrive. We have one more week of T-ball and I can't wait for it to be over as bad as that might sound. I'm sure everyone involved in sports this summer can sympathize. I am ready for the weekend and hopefully a little rest.

2010-06-19T22:29:00.002-05:00

The walk for Kaci was a huge success and it was great to see the sea of green walking down the streets of Guymon! Thank you to all who walked and all who served! Make sure you tell Lindsay how great of a job she did! Kaci nearly made it to the police station but it really wore her out. She got a little rest and felt much better. In fact, she even got in the pool with me and the kids and even went out with her dad driving the electric car. Today was the first time she has even tried to drive and said it felt pretty good. She is planning on driving us to church tomorrow so you have been warned. Kaci's sister, Kayla, bought Tate and I tickets to the Crash for a Cure demolition derby tonight and we had a great time. My dad went along as well as Carmen's youngest, Cooper. There were 3 generations of Ronne's watching the big event sitting next to another set of 3 generations of Ronne's. There must have been an empty IHOP somewhere...ha ha. Kaci's next scheduled MRI isn't until June 28th but I will try to set one up for this week to see what's next for us. Please continue to pray us through this experience because as much as I would like to say it is getting easier, it isn't. I don't have enough time to get everything done each day even with all of the help we receive. I don't know how single mom's pull it off but they have earned a lot more respect from me lately. I am not losing heart but energy, so pray for peaceful sleep and rejuvenating days. Keep it up Team Kaci, we are one step closer every day!

2010-06-14T23:24:00.003-05:00

Kaci's pain continued to get worse this weekend so I took her to the doctor today here in Guymon. He thought all of her symptoms could be explained by the fact that she has been taking steroids. He said that it begins to make the bones brittle causing inflammation in her muscles and bones. She started taking calcium today and for the next week and it should do the trick. Pray that his diagnosis is correct and her pain goes away quickly. I have noticed that Satan has been attacking many of you and your families lately which seems bad right now but it can have a very powerful ending. Satan has a tendency to attack harder and harder trying to prevent us from growing closer to our Savior. God's presence in our church seems to be getting stronger every week and revival is already in progress. Satan will begin attacking you where you are weakest and often wins some battles, but take heart because the God we serve has overcome the world! Keep fighting and praying and reading His Word and we will all come out on top, victories for all! Kaci should have an MRI later this week and I am looking forward to good news. On another note, the missionaries we served with in Albania will be speaking at our church on Wednesday night June 30th. That is 2 weeks from this Wednesday. They will be staying with us and our kids can't wait for them to get here. Make sure you don't plan anything for that night, come and meet them for dinner at our church at 6:00 and listen to what has been happening in Albania at 7:00. We would love for you to attend with us!